Jokes about life and people.
A friend of mine needed to get a sofa out of his apartment.
He called a friend for help.
The friend arrived when the sofa was already stuck in the doorway and started pushing from the ladder.
The sofa just wouldn't budge.
The apartment owner, inside, was huffing and puffing, pushing, sweating… and finally said:
"No, we're not going to be able to get it out like this…"
And suddenly a voice was heard from behind the sofa:
"What do you mean, 'get it out'? Are we actually getting it out?!" 😄
Yesterday, I overheard some neighbours arguing...
The woman shouted at her husband:
— José, if I say to you, 'Go and find someone better than me', you have to answer, 'I don't need anyone but you'...
And don't start shouting "Great!" and rush off to pack your bags!
She is right... there's nothing to argue about 😄
It was night-time, and the parents left their young son in the care of his grandmother...
It was time for bed, so his grandmother put him to bed and began to sing him lullabies.
She sang one, then another, then another...
And suddenly the child could not take it anymore and said:
— Granny, could you please stop singing and let me sleep? 😄
A man walks into a tattoo parlour and asks the artist:
—Can you put a tank on my back?
—Sí.
Two minutes passed and the teacher said:
—All done!
—How fast?
—What? There are only a few letters.
The father says to his daughter:
_ Daughter, you're opening the fridge every five minutes! Has anything changed in there during that time?
-¡Sí!
-So what then?
-There are fewer tasty treats...
According to statistics, the longest toasts at weddings begin with the words:
"Of course I don't know how to speak nicely..."
In the doctor's office, the doctor is talking to the nurse:
"Miss!" exclaimed the doctor indignantly. "Stop writing recipes on my forms."
Yesterday there was a mix-up at the pharmacy and instead of medicines they prepared a cake for the patient!
A phone call from a friend:
- Matthew, hello! I haven't heard from you in ages! How's life after marriage?
- I've never been so happy!
- Is she nearby?
- I'm very happy!
-Be strong, mate! ...
The doorbell rings. The owner opens it and sees a plumber.
-It's great that you came. We've been waiting for you for three days!
The plumber hesitates and replies:
-So, I have the wrong address. They sent me to a flat where they've been waiting for me for two months!
I read property advertisements: all the flats are warm and bright.
I didn't find a single cold and dark one.
My wife's birthday is next week and she has jewellery catalogues scattered all over the house...
You could take her interests into account and buy her a magazine rack.
The wife said to her husband, closing the door behind her daughter and her boyfriend:
-Listen, next time our daughter brings this lad over, don't kiss his hands and say, 'You're our saviour!' - Just say 'Hello!'
At university, students were taking a written exam.
Some were cheating by looking at their phones.
At first, the professor walked between the rows trying to catch the offenders, but then he stood in the middle of the classroom and said loudly: "OK Google, play some music!"
Many students had to retake that exam afterwards...
The daughter asks her mother:
"Mum, what's the difference between a beauty salon and a hairdresser's?"
"Well, you see, darling, they cut your hair almost the same way, but at the beauty salon, after the cut, the hairdresser says to you, 'You look so beautiful!'"
I work in the administrative department. Today an elderly lady came in for an appointment and her problem was resolved quite quickly. I thought she would be happy, but she asked me:
Do I need to go somewhere else?
"No, we've already decided everything."
"Well, maybe I need to go somewhere else?"
"Why?" I asked, confused.
"Well, my children gave me a sports watch; I need to walk 8,000 steps a day, so I walk."
A student tells her friends:
Can you imagine? Today, after class at university, I stopped by my grandmother's house... I was hungry, and she had a pot full of porridge on the stove. Hungry, I poured myself a little on my plate and stood there devouring it.
Then my grandmother came into the kitchen and asked, 'Was the porridge tasty?'
I replied, "They were delicious!"
And she said, "Well, that's great, that means our cocker spaniel will like them too; they're his porridge..."
Conversation between two friends:
- Come on, man, think before you speak!
- Oh, I tried, but it prevents me from speaking!
Job interview. The human resources representative asks the candidate: "Well, I understand all about your experience, but I'm surprised that your CV says that you were dismissed from your previous job for changing the water in the dispenser... How did that happen?"
"Well, I simply changed the water in the dispenser with wine..."
Upon arriving home after a night of playing cards, The husband boasts to his wife:
-I was very fortunate today, I lost my blue suit, which you bought me for two hundred euros, as if it had cost six hundred.
Two well-known ladies are talking:
—Oh, Catherine, I have to confess something to you. I am your husband's mistress.
—Oh, you can't trust anyone! And my husband told me that all his mistresses are young and pretty...
The son asks his mother:
- Mum, why does Dad have so little hair on his head?
-He's very clever!
-Why do you have so many?
- Don't bother me and eat your dinner!
We don't usually throw away perfectly cooked food... We put a fresh dish in a container, put it in the fridge, wait for it to spoil... And only then do we throw it away.....
At work, the employees were discussing what time each of them gets up. One girl, who lives closer to work than anyone else, says, "I get up at 5 in the morning." Everyone, intrigued, asks why so early, and she explains, "Every morning I wash my hair, put patches under my eyes for dark circles and a face mask on my face." Everyone asked her if she should perhaps get some tests done to find out why she has dark circles under her eyes.
To which the girl replies: "Because I don't get enough sleep! I get up at 5 in the morning!"
Statistically, most men do not fulfil even 50% of what they promise.
And most women fulfil 90% of what they swore they would never do.
The wife asks her husband, who is about to go to the shop:
— Are you going to buy food?
The husband replies:
— Of course. What do you need to buy?
The wife:
— Buy only the essentials, save money!
...An hour later, the husband returns home:
— I bought beer, crisps and ice cream. There was nothing else important.
A woman calls an electrician on the phone:
"I asked you to come and fix the doorbell!"
"I came today, but no one answered the door!" replies the electrician. "But I was home the whole time and didn't go anywhere!" the woman exclaims indignantly.
"Well, I came, rang the doorbell, no one answered, so I left," explains the electrician.
The son asks his father:
- Dad, is it true that in some Eastern countries the groom does not know who his wife is until he marries her?
-This is true for all countries, son!
Have you noticed that all our childhood punishments have become our adult goals: Eat vegetables, stay at home, take a nap, and go to bed early?
I was so touched today when I paid the state fee for my divorce and my attentive bank offered to create a template for this payment.
Note to men: before arguing with a woman, think carefully about whether it is necessary to argue with her: after all, you will most likely get tired of arguing with her after 10 to 15 minutes, but she will definitely not get tired.
A group of men are discussing sports in a bar. Some say football is the best, others say basketball. An intelligent-looking man says:
- But for me, boxing is the best sport!
- Why? Are you a boxer?
The man replies:
- No, what are you talking about? I'm a dentist!
A mathematician tells his girlfriend about a romantic trip to the Alps:
- Below, a stream flows at a speed of 20-25 km/h, and mountains rise up on either side, stretching into infinity.
The son speaks to his father:
- Dad, remember you promised me ten euros if I finished third year with excellent marks?
-Yes, yes, of course. So, how are you?
-Congratulations, Dad. You saved ten euros!
A little girl says to her mother:
- Mum, why do you have one grey hair?
-It's because you, my daughter, don't listen to me.
The daughter, deep in thought, replies:
Ah, now it's clear why all of Grandma's hair is grey..
In court, the judge addresses an elderly man:
"Why are you filing for divorce? You've been married to your wife for 40 years!"
"Your Honour, do you think I haven't suffered enough?"
An emergency call:
-Hello, is this an emergency?
-Yes, good evening, how may I help you?
-Hurry, my wife has delirium tremens!
-How do you know that?
-We have a huge white horse walking around the house, but for some reason she can't see it!
Yesterday I helped my neighbour fix her shower tap and, overcome with emotion, she said to me: "I could marry you..."
I couldn't believe it...
That's right: you do good for people, and in a second they try to ruin your life completely.
Wedding preparations. The parents are getting the bride ready for the wedding.
The father is upset and cries. The mother says:
—Stop being upset! Let the groom cry now!
A real estate agent arrives at the house. The woman asks him:
- Where have you been?
- Showing the flat.
- Why do you smell like alcohol?
- Should it smell like the flat?
After the premiere of a modern theatrical production of Anna Karenina, a member of the audience left a note in the theatre's guest book:
I have never waited so long for a train.
My mind is like my internet browser:
I have 19 tabs open, 5 are frozen, and I have no idea where the music is coming from.
In kindergarten, they ask Miguel, aged 5:
—Miguel, who do you listen to more, Mum or Dad?
Miguel thinks for a moment and then replies:
—To Mum, of course!
—Why?
—She talks more!
Today, after the Halloween party, I started thinking about how many people commented on my Instagram photos: "Wow, you're the scariest one in these photos!"
I don't know if it was a compliment.
The children at the nursery school were asked what age is the best time to get married.
One girl replied: At 75, you no longer have to work and can spend all your time in bed loving each other.
Today I heard my neighbours, a married couple who are both teachers, arguing loudly!
How advanced they are!
During the hour and a half that the row lasted, they didn't utter a single swear word, but I heard so many original idiomatic expressions!
Today I was at a job interview when the manager gave me a laptop: "I want you to try to sell it to me..."
I tucked it under my arm, left the building and went home... The manager called me and said:
Give me back my laptop! Now!
I said, "$200 and it's yours..." I hope they accept me.
I go to a real estate agency. There, all the walls are covered with huge advertising posters.
Super promotion! Buy a flat and get a baseball cap!
However, the generosity of estate agents knows no bounds.
Why, as the adverts say, is every new toothpaste always recommended by only nine out of ten dentists?
Who is this tenth person who constantly dislikes everything?
When people tell you that you have a cosy home, they usually mean that it is small, cramped and cluttered with furniture..
Husband to his wife:
- Darling! Now we'll be living in an expensive flat!
- Darling! Have you finally decided to buy a nice flat?
- No, it's just that the utility bills have gone up again.
Yesterday, the school called me and said, 'Your son lies constantly'.
I replied,
"Tell this chap he's really lying, because I don't have any children."
A Year 5 teacher, after receiving 15 bars of chocolate and 5 boxes of sweets from the children at the end of the school year, thought that if the affection of the pupils and their parents was expressed in sweets, he would develop type 2 diabetes...
According to studies on couples, 80% of men do not know why their wives are angry.
The remaining 20% do not even know that their wives are angry.
From a conversation between a real estate agent and a colleague:
- What are you doing?
- Yes, I'm studying the train timetable.
- What for?
- A nice flat has come up here, and there are trains passing beneath the windows, so I look when there's a break to take a client there.
When we were children, to get an adrenaline rush, we would ring the doorbell and run away.
Now you feel a rush of adrenaline when your doorbell rings.
A good wife will always be by your side in difficult times.
Above all, to remind you that none of this would have happened if you had listened to her.
A teenage daughter asks her mother before going out for a walk:
-Mummy, do you like walking barefoot?
- Yes, of course, I love being barefoot...
- Well, then I went for a walk in your sandals...
The family is spending their first holiday with their son, who is in his first year of primary school.
The father asks his son:
- Alex, well, what is your favourite lesson at school?
The son responds with a sigh:
- The fifth, after it always at home.
I bought some medicine.
I read the side effects: drowsiness, eye pain, tinnitus, nervousness, insomnia, cramps, dry mouth, vomiting, gastritis, constipation, migraine...
I'm sitting here thinking, "Screw that runny nose...".
The wife complains to her husband:
-Why is it that things are never the way I want them to be?
"What do you want then?" asks the husband.
- Well, I don't know...
...
Parents return home after the holidays and encounter an evil neighbour:
- Neighbour, your son and his friends kept the whole house awake all night!
At home, the father asked his son:
--What were you doing all night that kept your neighbours awake?
- Dad, well, we only had a little wine.
- And then?
- So we sang very softly... And then Denis sang a little out of tune, and we started arguing very softly...
A man got a job in a factory. The next day he found himself in hospital. His friend comes to visit him:
- What happened?
- Ah, nothing special, I go into the workshop and shout to my colleague: "José, pass me a 27 mm spanner".
- So what?
- If I had known that so many Josés worked there...
In a hospital, a modern patient, after an operation and coming out of anaesthesia, asks first:
- What is the Wi-Fi password?
The nurse, indignant, replies:
- You're in intensive care!
Patient:
- Should I write in upper or lower case?
A woman consults a salesperson in a building supplies shop:
- I have three children. One is three years old, another is six, and the third will soon be ten. What would you recommend for flooring in the children's room?
Salesperson (thoughtfully):
- It would be better, of course, to pave...
At the wedding of one of the girls from the volleyball team, the bridesmaids did not drop the bouquet for two hours.
The tenant to the landlord:
- Landlord, I need 12 more keys, for me and my mates!
Owner with a sigh:
- Perhaps it would be better to install a revolving door?
At three in the morning, Dad's mobile phone rings.
The daughter calls from the next room and whispers:
- Dad, please bring me some water. My cat is sleeping at my feet and I don't want to wake him up...
A mathematician was admitted to hospital and after the operation the doctor asked him:
- Patient, how are you feeling? Do you know what day it is today?
-Whole, positive.
- Darling, I'm waiting for some indecent proposals from you.
-Let's cook spaghetti for dinner and eat it in bed by candlelight.
-This is just too indecent.
The best way to teach a child to be independent:
If they are under 12, write them a note: "Darling, there's food in the pan, go and eat it."
If they are under 15, write them a note: "Darling, there is food in the fridge, heat it up and eat it."
If you are under 20, write him a note: "Darling, the money is on the table, buy yourself something to eat and eat it."
If you are over 26 years old, write him a note: "Darling, the food is at the supermarket. I hope you've been paid. Don't forget to leave us some of what you buy."
An online survey was conducted. The question was: "What would you do if you saw a green man?"
Sixty per cent of adults who responded voted to "stop drinking".
Thirty per cent of adults who responded voted for 'start drinking'.
Nine per cent of adults who responded chose "go to a psychiatrist".
And only a few children voted for 'start crossing the road'.
There is a test on traffic rules. The examiner asks:
The task is this: an intersection, here you are, here's a bus, here's a truck, here's a motorcycle. Who will go first?
The student observes the problem and responds confidently:
- Taxi driver.
-Why a taxi driver?! Where did the taxi driver come from?!
Who knows where these taxi drivers come from!
Friends talking on the phone: "Darling, how is that possible? Are you telling me that they called you at two in the morning while you were asleep and you couldn't help insulting the person who called you? Well, that's not right, it's rude... Now, at four in the morning, is the right time to call them back and apologise for being rude."
What is comedy? It's when you have someone to be with, something to do, but nowhere to do it.
What is drama? It's when you have a place, something to do it with, but no one to do it with.
What is tragedy? It's when you have a place, you have someone to do it with, you have something to do it with, but why!
Problem statement: Three frogs were sitting on a water lily. One decided to jump into the water.
Question: How many frogs are left on the water lily?
The correct answer is: unknown, since deciding and jumping are two different things.
A client asks a real estate agent:
- Why does a real estate agent always answer a question with another question?
- Why do you need to know this?
The landlord sternly asks the new tenant:
- I hope you don't have children. I can't stand their screaming.
- No, I'm alone.
- Dogs, cats? They bother the tenants.
- No.
- Won't you turn on the radio? Will you play musical instruments?
- No, I don't intend to. But I want to warn you: I'm a writer, I write sometimes, and my pen squeaks a little...
The director of a real estate agency asks a candidate in an interview:
Young man, why did you decide to come and work at our agency?
- Dad, don't ask stupid questions!
My phone battery is dead and I need to find an unfamiliar address.
I walk down the street, trying to get my bearings. I see a man approaching. I run up to him and say, 'Excuse me, please...
' Before I can finish my sentence, he replies,
'It's okay, I've already forgiven you for everything...' and keeps walking.
At nursery school, the teacher asks the children before eating.
- Children, why do we wash our hands before eating?
One of the children cheerfully replies:
- I know! So as not to dirty the spoons!
High school teacher:
"Those who get 9s and 10s will go to heaven, and those who get 3s and 2s will go to hell."
Voice from the back of the class:
"Is there a chance of ending up alive in high school?"
A restaurant. Two elderly gentlemen have finished their dinner and are chatting quietly over drinks.
— Tell me, Robert, what do you think about running?
— Nothing good, Hugo. I don't like it.
— Why not? In fact, it's quite healthy at our age!
— Perhaps. But when I run, I always spill my whisky and my cigar goes out.
Today I saw an advertisement:
We will fix everything your husband repaired.
I laughed, but I wrote down the telephone number...
The dog went to the telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The employee examined the paper and politely said to the dog:
There are only nine words here. You can send another 'Wow' for the same price.
The dog replied, "But then my message would be meaningless!"
After school, my son informs me that for art class, the teacher asked each pupil to bring 15 wine corks tomorrow...
I imagine my wife and I will have a very busy afternoon today completing this teacher's assignment...
An employee trains a new colleague:
- I have studied this lathe, this milling machine and this electric sharpener to perfection.
Now I know this team like the back of my last three fingers...
Despite the red light, the taxi driver crossed the intersection and was stopped by a police inspector.
"Driver, didn't you see the red light?" asks the inspector.
-I saw the red light, but the problem is that I didn't see you...
A man writes on social media:
"Friends, I need help from knowledgeable people! I just had an argument with my wife and, for the first time in 10 years of marriage, she agreed with me! Tell me, what should I do now?"
There are two types of people:
One says, "It's only 10 o'clock at night..."
Another says, "It's already 10 o'clock at night..."
And the most difficult thing is if they live together and are married.
A bald man walks into a barber shop and says to the barber:
"If you give me a haircut like yours, I'll pay you 1000 euros."
The barber thought about it and, of course, agreed.
Then he quickly and very carefully shaved his own head.
Classical literature is built on suffering!
Either the character, the author, or the reader suffers.
And if all three suffer, it's a great classic!
Any experienced driver knows that if a car with an "L" sign turns on its windscreen wipers before an intersection, it means it is about to turn.
A man bought a new refrigerator and placed the old one by the door with a sign that read: "If you need a refrigerator, take it for free".
For three days, the refrigerator stood there untouched. On the fourth day, the man got tired of waiting and changed the sign. This time he wrote: "Refrigerator for sale, price €50". The next morning, the refrigerator was gone.
At the hospital, a nurse enters a patient's room:
-Patient, wake up. Come on, wake up!
The patient wakes up:
- What happened, nurse?
- I brought you some sleeping pills, take them!
In a maths lesson, a student solves an example on the blackboard.
The teacher asks:
- Michael, can you show everyone how to get rid of the denominator in this fraction?
The student replies:
- We have to clean it with a cloth!
—Darling, have you locked our computer?
— Yes.
— And what is the password?
—Our wedding date.
— Damn it.
A husband wakes up in the night and says to his wife:
— Darling, listen! There's someone in the kitchen!
The wife's voice echoes from the kitchen:
— Darling, it's me. I'm in the kitchen. And I'm watching the cake so that no one comes in and steals it...
I have never seen anyone argue with a plumber.
But I often see people actively questioning doctors' opinions.
Either the toilet is much more complex than the human body, or people fear plumbers more than doctors.
The woman says to her husband:
"Look, our neighbor kisses his wife every morning when he leaves for work. Why don't you do the same?"
"Well, why should I kiss her? I don't even know her!"
In an elementary school literature class, the teacher asks the students:
"Whoever has read the book, tell me, what did Robin Hood give to the poor? Marco, tell us!"
The student, evidently not having read the book, thought for a moment and cautiously responded:
"Wi-Fi?"
Early in the morning I was fast asleep when I suddenly heard an angry voice next to me:
"Are you still sleeping? Get up quickly! It's time for school!"
"I don't want to go to school... I want to sleep a little more," I answered and lay back down.
But the voice didn't stop:
"Mom, I have to go to school, not you! Get up, take me!"
Family dinner. The wife asks her husband:
— José, what are you having for dinner?
The husband, remembering what the nutritionist said:
— Oh, darling, give me a piece of this fish...
— José, it's a pork chop!
— Mary, did I ask you how this fish is called?
The friends are talking:
– What did your loved one give you for Valentine's Day?
Necklace, ring and earrings. What about you?
- The keys to the flat.
Wow! When are you inviting me to the housewarming party?
-I don't know. There are only keys. He hasn't bought the flat itself yet.
Client to builder:
- In my opinion, the walls are too thin...
- They're fine. There will be wallpaper too!
Training dogs is difficult: I spent a month barking to teach my dog to bark when he wants to eat...
Now he doesn't eat until I start barking...
It seems we misunderstood each other...
In a pizzeria, a man came in to order a pizza.
The pizza chef asked him how many slices he should cut the pizza into: 4 or 6?
The gentleman thought for a moment and replied:
—Cut it into four portions, I'm not hungry enough to eat six...
Friends are talking, one asks the other:
- Your daughter's piano lessons must have cost a fortune?
- On the contrary. Thanks to them, I bought the flat next door for half the price...
I bought a course where they teach you English while you sleep.
But my wife kicked the teacher out of our bed.
Mum says to her son:
-Tom, this morning I left two pieces of cake in the cupboard and now there's only one left. How did that happen?
- Well, Mum, how can you not understand? It was very dark and I didn't notice the second piece.
The young man can't leave his computer.
His parents called the doctor.
The doctor examined him and said:
"He'll have to be treated!"
Parents:
"How?"
"Cigarettes, alcohol, girls," the doctor replied.
The lady walks through a cemetery, frightened. Suddenly, she sees a man standing there and asks him to accompany her so she won't be so scared. The man is very kind, polite, and jokes around.
The lady congratulates him before saying goodbye: "You are a very interesting person..."
To which the man replies: "What a pity we didn't meet in life!"
After a long and exhausting wedding day, the newlyweds were finally alone. The happy husband sat on the bed and said:
- How eagerly I have awaited this moment!
The bride responds enthusiastically:
- Have your new shoes been too tight all this time too?
The child asks his father:
- Dad, are insects good to eat?
- Ugh, that's disgusting. Don't talk about that stuff at dinner, replies the father.
After dinner, the father asks:
- Well, son, what did you want to ask me?
- Oh, Dad, it's fine now. There was just a bug in your soup, but it's gone now, replies the boy.
The greatest joke on humanity is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they are not robots.
In the hospital, a patient addresses a nurse:
— What disgusting medicine you brought me today!
The nurse replies, surprised:
— What medicine? It's just your lunch!
At the cardiologist's office, after examining him, the doctor tells the patient:
— He needs urgent surgery!
— Doctor, can't we postpone it? I've been waiting six months for a dental prosthesis!
The cardiologist thought about it... A minute passed, then two, then five...
— Doctor, why are you so quiet?
— I can imagine it: they're playing Chopin, everyone's crying, and you're lying in a coffin with beautiful, even, dazzlingly white teeth!
Call to a real estate agency:
- Hello, I would like to speak to my manager.
- I'm sorry, but it's impossible, it's not here.
- How could he not be, I saw him through the window a minute ago!
- He saw you too.....
A man went to a dental clinic to have a dental bridge fitted.
After the consultation, the dentist gave him a quote.
- Doctor, did you get something wrong?
- I don't think so.
- I think you got confused about the price... I need a bridge for normal human teeth, not to cross the entire Strait of Gibraltar...
At home, the grandfather says to his grandson:
'Quick, go and hide, your teacher has come because you're skipping school!'
The grandson, frightened:
'Grandfather, you hide quickly! I told her you had died...'
Two friends meet:
— Hey, José, why are you so sad this morning?
— Oh, I'm really upset... our family almost had a plane crash.
— No way!
— Last night, a plane landed at the airport with my wife's relatives on board.
Conversation with a nutritionist:
- So, this is your diet: an apple, an egg and low-fat yoghurt...
The patient clarifies:
- Understood, Doctor. Should he eat this before or after meals?
An elderly husband says to his wife after going to the doctor:
Imagine that! This doctor decided that I'm so old that he sent me to an archaeologist!
His wife reassures him:
"Darling, didn't you hear? He sent you to an audiologist..."
For a long time I couldn't understand the reason for my ill health. I had an ultrasound, all the blood tests, checked my hormones, had an MRI, visited a neurologist, signed up for an electrocardiogram and an X-ray.
At the end, I took the results to my doctor and asked him what he had seen.
The doctor listened to me, reviewed all the tests and said:
-I see that you have a lot of money and a lot of energy..
I recently decided to try skydiving for the first time.
Before the flight, a lad tied himself to me, we jumped out of the plane and, as we plummeted down, he said to me:
"How long have you been an instructor?"...
Conversation between two friends:
— Yesterday at the party, I drank too much... and Pedro took advantage of me.
— What? Did he try to do something to you? — her friend exclaims indignantly.
— No way! He ran away!
Yesterday I spent the whole day until late at night plastering the walls and ceiling.
And this morning, out of habit, as I spread pâté on my bread, I mechanically sealed all the holes in the bread and smoothed out the unevenness of the pâté.
Well, renovating a flat completely changes our lives...
The rich owner says to the architect:
- To the right of the villa, build three pools: one with warm water, the second with cold water and the third without water.
- Why a pool without water?
- Some of my friends can't swim.
The wife says to her husband:
Please buy a carton of milk, and if they have eggs, buy six.
The husband goes to the shop and brings back six cartons of milk.
The wife is indignant: "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"
The husband is perplexed: "But you yourself said that if they had eggs, you would buy six, they had eggs..."
The little boy asks his father:
- Dad, why do turtles move so slowly?
- Because they live for 300 years and still have time.
A lady buys an expensive piece of jewellery in a boutique.
The saleswoman asks him:
—Excuse me, why is your money so wet?
—Oh, I'm so sorry. It's just that my husband cried so much when he gave it to me...
A family bought a flat and began renovating it. The wife says to her husband:
- Go to the neighbours downstairs and ask them how many rolls of wallpaper they bought when they renovated.
He went and they told him:
- Twenty.
They bought them and started sticking them up. There were six rolls left. The husband got angry and went back to the neighbours' house:
- What the hell, you bastards! Was it so difficult to tell the truth? We've got six rolls left!
- Ah, yes, we have six left too.
Work colleagues ask the lucky person who has secured a new council flat:
- How many faults have you found in the new flat?
- One so far.
- Great! What kind?
- I can't open the door...
If you have good posture, intelligent eyes and a mysterious smile, then you have just realised that you are being photographed.
In a shop, a customer asks the salesperson:
—Darling, I'd like a box of chocolates, but not too expensive ones.
—Is it for your girlfriend?
—No, I want to give it to my doctor.
The seller clarifies:
—Thanks or revenge?
When I was a child, I was very afraid of all kinds of monsters, ghosts, and other evil spirits.
But my mother said that all evil spirits can be vacuumed up, so I vacuumed my room regularly and thoroughly.
Mum, how clever!
At the hospital, a nurse says to the doctor:
- Doctor, the patient in room 11 is feeling better: he spoke for the first time today!
The doctor asks:
- What did he say?
- That it feels awful.
The nephew came to visit his aunt with toys:
- Aunt Isabel, can I leave my toys with you for a while?
- What happened, darling?
- You know, they brought my brother home from the maternity hospital. First we have to find out what kind of person he is...
The flat owner tells the student who rents a room:
—I won't let you leave the room you're staying in until you pay for it.
Student:
—Thank you so much! I finally have long-term accommodation!
The most important invention in human history is the written contract, which allows people to put in writing all the reasons why they do not trust each other.
Why do you look so sad?
—My wife is going to a resort.
And are you worried about her?
- No, but if there is no sadness on my face, she will never leave.
I asked my husband to go to the store. I gave him a list of things to buy: 1. Bread. 2. Sausage. 3. Milk. 4. Toothpaste. 5. Toilet paper. 6. Beer. When my husband returned from the store, the package contained: a loaf of bread, two sausages, three cartons of milk, four tubes of toothpaste, five rolls of toilet paper, and six bottles of beer.
Nothing to complain about. But next time I'll start the list with beer.
I have found the perfect way to avoid talking to strangers when I don't feel like it.
If a stranger invades my space, I put on a surprised look and whisper, "Can you see me?"
I told my sister a secret and said, 'Don't tell Mum'.
My sister told Mum, and then asked her not to tell me what she had said...
Then Mum called me and told me she knew everything, but asked me not to tell my sister...
So now everyone knows everything, but no one can admit it.
As we age, our minds begin to function in surprising ways:
My wife has already forgotten the password she created for her laptop yesterday...
However, she remembers exactly what I said to her on 12 April 2001 at 9:04 a.m.
In the library:
-Hello, give me some Dickens books.
-Can you be more precise?
- Charles John Huffam Dickens, born 7 February 1812...
The husband asks his wife:
"Darling, why are all your meatballs different sizes lately?"
The wife replies: "Well, look, you're still complaining... You yourself said you wanted variety in your food, didn't you?!"
According to observations, a man differs from a woman in that when a woman calls:
Honey, come and taste/smell this...", it's usually pleasant and tasty.
But when a man calls:
"Honey, come and taste/smell this," is usually something disgusting...
A father talks to his school-age child:
-Here are ten sweets, give half to your little brother.
-I'll give him three sweets.
- How is that possible? Can't you count?
-I can, but he can't yet.
Vaping is weird... you walk past a group of dudes who look like gangsters but smell like strawberry muffins...
A real estate agent and a married couple who are thinking of buying a house in the countryside are talking.
- The house you showed us yesterday is very nice, but the horrible concrete building opposite spoils the whole view.
- It's all right, it's a dynamite factory. Sooner or later it'll blow up anyway.
Did you know that cats are much more resilient than dogs?
The dog lies down in one spot for half an hour, then runs off somewhere, does something, asks to be taken for a walk...
But cats are resilient: they can sleep motionless and do nothing for hours.
A frustrated man sits at a bar.
-Is everything alright?" asks the waiter.
-My wife said she won't speak to me for a month, - replies the customer.
The waiter says:
—Well, maybe it's good... a bit of peace and quiet.
-Yes, but today is the last day of this month,- explains the customer.
In the hospital after the operation, the patient says to the anaesthetist:
-Doctor, tell me, the nurse was dancing on the table and now she's standing next to me in a gown. Why?
Anaesthesiologist, satisfied:
- All right, great... The anaesthetic is wearing off.
A housewife, a gestor, and a lawyer were asked a simple question: What is 2 + 2?
The housewife immediately replied: 2 + 2 is 4.
The gestor replied, "Most likely it's 4, but it could be 5; I need to check all the initial data."
The lawyer drew the curtains, dimmed the lights, lit a cigarette, lowered himself carefully into a chair, and, looking shrewdly at his interlocutor, asked, "And how much would you like it to be?"
How our lives have changed:
My parents only had 10 photos of me from 1993 and they kept them carefully...
And now, since 7 o'clock this morning, I've already managed to take 156 photos of my cat...
A taxi driver stops to pick up a woman as a passenger:
-Where are we going?
The woman replies:
- To the maternity ward, and quickly!
The taxi driver starts off quickly, worried, remembering all the films where a woman gives birth in a taxi...
- Driver, don't be so nervous, I work there,- says a woman.
The aeroplane takes off. The voice of the captain:
Dear passengers!... Oh my God!... Oh no!... What is this!
All the passengers look at each other in shock, searching for danger. The captain's voice again:
Sorry for the delay, the stewardess spilled hot coffee on me. You should have seen the front of my white trousers!
One of the passengers mutters under his breath: "You should have seen the back of my trousers..."
The bathroom in the doctor's house got blocked. They called a plumber, the plumber came, tapped something with a hammer a couple of times, replaced the seal, tightened the nut. Then he says:
-Done, everything works. That will be 200 euros.
-What do you mean, 200 euros? For five minutes of work? I'm a neurosurgeon. I studied my speciality for 12 years, but I don't get paid 200 euros for five minutes of work.
-Then it's normal. When I was a neurosurgeon, I wasn't paid that much either.
Friends are talking:
-Miguel, listen, yesterday I saw your wife at the theatre. She coughed so much that everyone looked at her. What happened? Did she get ill?
- No, she just bought a new dress and really wanted everyone to look at her!
In court, the judge asks:
Plaintiff, do you still maintain that the defendant called you a catastrophic idiot?
- Yes, Your Honour! It is not written in plain language, but the meaning of the statement is unambiguous.
"What exactly did he say?" asks the judge.
- He said to me, 'Well, in terms of intelligence, you and I are on the same level...'.
A millionaire's daughter takes her fiancé, a simple man, to meet her parents.
The father asks him: "Do you have a house?
The man replies: "God willing, I will!
The father asks again: "Do you have a car?
The man replies, "God willing, I will!".
The father insists: "Can you support my daughter?
The man replies again: "God willing, I can keep her...".
After all, the daughter's mother asks the father: "And how did you find him?
The father: "He's a complete failure, of course, but I really like how he calls me...!
A real estate agent shows an apartment to a married couple and praises it: this is such-and-such a room, this is such-and-such lighting, this is such-and-such a bathroom.
The husband asks, "And the advertisement also said that the neighbours here are quiet. Is that true?"
The estate agent calls his buyers to the window.
They look and say, "But this is a graveyard!"
"Of course," replies the estate agent cheerfully, "but you'll never be woken up in the morning by loud music or a noisy drill again!"
One morning I had to get up early to go to the airport. I set the alarm on the stereo for 4:30 in the morning to make sure I would wake up. I turned it up.
I woke up to the alarm, got ready for the airport, and left on a two-week business trip.
After two weeks, I returned and encountered my neighbours, who were about to kill me: during those two weeks, at 4:30 in the morning, the alarm on the stereo played the song "Du Hust" at a rather high volume...
I lost my wife in the market and suddenly I see a stunning blonde standing next to me.
I said to him:
-Hello, I lost my wife here.
-Well, how can I help?
- Nothing, but as soon as he sees that I'm talking to you...
Oh, here it is! Thank you.
-An old truth says that it is foolish to argue with fools...
- What? What if it is absolutely necessary to convince someone that they are wrong? For their own good! You will have to convince even an idiot, there is no way around it!
- Really? Well, I'm not going to argue with you...
While my girlfriend was asleep, I got up and prepared her a delicious breakfast.
But he slept so long that I got hungry, ate the breakfast I had prepared, and went back to bed.
It's a shame she doesn't know how perfect and loving I am.
A phone call to a tattoo parlor. The client asks:
"Does it hurt to get a tattoo?..."
The artist replies: "Well, it depends on the place..."
Client: "Well, I live in San Pedro..."
Did you know that laughing at your own mistakes can extend your life by several years!
But don't get it wrong, because laughing at your wife's mistakes, on the contrary, can shorten your life....
At the maternity hospital, after my son was born, I went outside to get some fresh air. Then I started talking to another man who had had a daughter there yesterday.
He congratulated me and said, humorously, 'Maybe they'll get married?'.
Well, of course, as if my son were going to marry someone twice his age, I thought...
Not all women want flowers.
Some just want 20 hectares of land with a beautiful country house, with lovely barns, green pastures and a flowing stream, a blooming garden that can be seen from their porch...
I just applied for life insurance and they asked me:
Sir, do you participate in any dangerous activities?
I replied, "Yes, sometimes I disagree with my wife!"...
Today was a rather unusual day...
First, I found a hat full of money on the pavement. And as I walked happily home with the hat, an angry chap with a guitar chased me...
My wife is very upset with our neighbour, who likes to sunbathe naked in her back garden.
Personally, I disagree; I think we should respect other people's interests...
A schoolboy asks his father:
Dad, do you understand maths?
-Yes, of course!
-Tell me, if you cut a cake into 3 pieces, will each piece represent 0.333 of the cake?
-Correct
-But if you multiply 0.333 by 3, do you get 0.999? Where does the missing part go?
-The rest stuck to the knife...
-Thank you, Dad!
When I got home and my dog was so happy to see me that he even peed a little out of joy...
I thought: none of my friends pee when they see me.
So they're not that happy to see me;
I'm surrounded by imposters.
Marriage is when one person takes care of the flights, passports, suitcases, hotel reservations, and planning all the fun.
And the other person asks again, "Are we going somewhere again?"
This morning I saw my neighbour talking to her cat; it was obvious that the poor woman believed the cat understood her.
When I got home, I told my dog about it... we had a good laugh.
I tell my trainer during my first training session at the gym:
- I'm surprised at how breathless that exercise left me.
Personal trainer:
-It was just a guided tour of the gym.
My neighbours knocked on my door last night at 3:30. Can you believe it?
Fortunately, he was still awake, playing the guitar.
They shouted, "How about some respect?"
I told them, "To be honest, I'm not really a fan of Aretha Franklin, but anyway. This one's for you!"
Today I was thinking about how strange everything is: when we were children, our parents never made us go outside to play. They made us come inside!
And now I spend hours kicking my son out of the house so he can play with his friends for a little while.
A newbie assistant at a construction site asks the foreman:
- Do you do everything without drawings?
The foreman answers sullenly:
- We've gotten used to it over the years, we estimate everything by eye.
- And if it turns out uneven?
- Then it will be a designer style
When examining the patient, the doctor notices bags under the eyes, fatigue and a slight tremor in the hands.
- Do you work at night a lot?
- No, I have three children...
- A-a-ah... Well, in that case, wait. Only time will help... it will improve in about 12 years.
A son speaks to his father:
— Dad, did you also want to be an adult when you were a child?
The father replies:
— Yes, I really wanted to...
— And how did it turn out?
— It came out... Only now I want to go back to childhood.
The painter says to his apprentice:
-Go and paint the windows.
An hour later, the apprentice returns and says to the painter:
- Well, I've already painted the windows, but should I paint the window frames as well?
A real estate agent rents an apartment and convinces his client:
— The flat is great: the neighbours are quiet, the area is peaceful, the sea is only 10 minutes away...
The customer asks with interest:
— Is it a 10-minute walk from the sea?
The estate agent pauses to think:
— Well, in the photo, yes...
In an elementary school biology class, the teacher asks the students:
"What animal eats and sleeps during the day and makes noise at night?"
One of the students jokes out loud:
"My little brother."...
The husband says to his wife:
— You look beautiful today!
The wife responds cautiously:
— What happened? Did you do something? Do you need anything?
— No, I just wanted to say...
— It's strange. It's very suspicious...
The teacher tells the students before the exam:
- Students, I hope I don't see you cheating off cheat sheets today!
The students murmured quietly to themselves:
-We also hope you don't see...
My friend has an ideal wife: she works as a schoolteacher.
In any case, she is the only woman in the world who, after asking a question, remains silent for a moment to listen to the answer.
A daughter calls her father:
- Dad! Come quickly! There's a huge mouse running around here.
-Ana, I'm at work. Let our cat Fluffy follow her.
- I can't, he's more scared than I am, he's sitting on my head, clinging on with his claws!
I'm sitting in a café. A chap comes up and says:
- Miss, may I pay for you?
Well, I didn't lose my head, I took out the electricity, water, and gas bills...
Conversation with the family doctor:
-Doctor, my back hurts when I wake up in the morning.
- Well, what can I advise you to do? Wake up at noon!
- This is simply outrageous! - the tenant says to the landlady.
- I've been living in your house for six months, and only today you told me there is no bathtub!
The waiter asks a drunk customer:
-I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?
- Then why do I need two empty glasses?
Two friends meet.
One asks.
-So, did you marry Maria?
- No, she said I was poor.
- But you have a rich uncle. Why didn't you tell him this?
-I said.
- So what?
-Now she is my aunt.
The man hailed a taxi. He settled into the back seat and relaxed to the calm, pleasant music. After a while, he tapped the driver on the shoulder and asked him to stop. The driver, screaming wildly, threw the steering wheel and crashed into a tree.
The man, cursing, felt his bruises, brushed off pieces of glass and all kinds of rubbish. The driver apologised profusely:
- Sorry, mate! This is my third day working as a taxi driver, and before that I drove a hearse for fifteen years!
— Today I went to the social page of an old friend, and he wrote there that he changed his life by 360 degrees.
That, guys, is why it is important for you to study mathematics in school!
At the appointment with the cardiologist:
-Mr Johnson, how many bottles of beer do you drink per day?
- Four
-How come four? Why so many? I only allowed two!
- My therapist also allowed me to drink two bottles. So together that makes four.
Driving test.
The young lady gets into the car.
-Thank you, you did not pass- The examiner said.
-How could it not happen if I didn't even move?- replies the young lady.
-You sat in the back seat.
The estate agent explains:
- I want to be completely honest with you. This house has its drawbacks. To the north there is a huge rubbish tip, to the east a septic tank, to the south a pig farm and to the west a fish factory.
- What are you saying?! And what are the advantages of this house?
The agent responds very convincingly:
- He always knows exactly which way the wind is blowing!
A taxi is driving through the city with a passenger.
The driver drives recklessly: he runs red lights, cuts off other drivers, etc.
Finally, the woman can't take it anymore and says:
- Driver, drive carefully, I have eight children at home!
The taxi driver turned around in surprise:
- And you're talking to me about caution?!!
A teacher complains to his colleague:
- What a class I have! I explain an algebra theorem to them, but they don't understand it. I explain it to them again, but they still don't understand. I'll explain it a third time. I've already understood what I'm talking about, but they still don't understand......
The restaurant doorman put three drunk customers in a taxi and explained to the driver where to take them:
- The one on the right lives in Plaza de Mayor, the one in the middle lives on Avenida de España, and the one on the left has to be taken to Calle El Mar...
The taxi driver leaves, but half an hour later he returns with all the passengers.
"What happened?" asked the doorman.
-Explain everything to me from the beginning, where to take whom. In a sudden turn, everyone got mixed up...
A person can be considered an adult when, upon visiting the dentist, what frightens them most is not the dental treatment itself, but rather the bill for said treatment.
I needed to replace my toilet. I bought it, it was delivered, the technician came and did everything. He calls me to come and see, stands at the door and says:
- Everything is ready here. Give it a try!
I stare at him in amazement, with a million thoughts running through my head: "Do I really have to do it in front of him? Can't I do it later? Can I at least close the door?" I don't know how long I would have stood there feeling bewildered, but soon the repairman himself sighed, pressed the flush button, said, "Everything works," and left...
An IT specialist is travelling in a taxi. Suddenly, the car breaks down. The driver tries to start the car, but nothing happens.
An IT specialist advises:
- Close all the windows and then open them again! If that does not work, restart the car.
The worker says to his colleague:
-I heard that Miguel was dismissed from his job...
- What for?
-They said he talked a lot of nonsense and avoided work.
- So, can they really dismiss you for this?
—Of course, prime ministers aren't dismissed for this, but plumbers are!
In a maths class, a teacher asks a student:
Miguel, calculate how much your mother should pay for 2 kilos of apples if 1 kilo costs 1.60 euros.
The student thought for a moment and then replied:
- I can't say, teacher, my mother always haggles hard...
A pretty girl approaches a man on the street:
-Excuse me, but I believe you are the father of one of my children...
The man said fearfully:
-Whose father am I?
-Don't worry, I'm a teacher, your son is in my class!
During the lesson, the teacher asks the students:
- Tell me, children, what do you call someone who keeps talking even when no one is listening?
There is a silent pause in the class, then one of the students asks uncertainly:
- Teacher?
"Oh dear!" exclaims the wife cheerfully when she meets her husband after work.
- You must be so happy, today our little boy said his first word! He said 'Daddy'!
- Wow, that's great! How did that happen? -asks the husband.
- Oh, it was at the zoo, near the gorilla cage!
A woman with a magnificent figure enters a pharmacy, buys a token to weigh herself, and steps onto the scales.
Apparently annoyed by the result, she takes off her coat, buys another token and steps on the scales.
Unhappy, she buys another token, takes off her jumper, and then her shoes.
Stepping off the scales, she sees the pharmacist with a handful of tokens: "Madam," he says with feeling, "the rest will be paid for by the institution"...
-Doctor, tell me then, at what height should I measure given my weight?
- Oh, dear sir, with your weight, you should be 5 metres tall.
Little Pedro watches his dad paint the ceiling, his mum says to him:
-Look, son, and learn, when you grow up you'll help your dad...
The son asks in surprise:
- What, won't he have finished painting it himself by then?
Advertisement on the aeroplane:
— If there is an anaesthetist among the passengers, please come to seat number 39.
A man stands up and walks to seat number 39. Another man is sitting there reading a magazine.
-Hello, I am an anaesthesiologist.
- And I'm a surgeon, hello. Mate, please fix the lighting for me.
At the doctor's office, the patient:
-Doctor, you must help me. I always feel like a moth...
- I am sorry, that is not my area of expertise, so you should contact a psychiatrist rather than me.
- Yes, you see, I was on my way to him, but your light was on at that moment.
The husband says to his wife:
-Darling, I bought us tickets for the theatre. Next Sunday.
Perhaps you should start getting dressed now so that we won't be late for once?
Conversation between two friends:
Look how beautiful the moon is tonight! Let me take a photo of it.
-Wait, let's get a bit closer.
The neighbours say:
- Oh, Carmen, you're all dressed up. Do you have some kind of event? Are you going to a party?
- No, I think I'll go visit the Martinezes... before they suddenly show up at my house...
During a philosophy exam, the professor asked the students only one question: "Why?"
The highest score was awarded to the student who answered: "Why not?"
I like talking to myself.
At times like these, I realise that there are still intelligent and interesting people left on Earth.
Two friends are talking.
- Alejandro, I heard you received a gift certificate for a parachute jump? Well, did you like it?
- Oh, I flew like a seagull over the city!
-I don't understand what this means.
- I screamed really loudly and made a huge mess!
A young lady who did not have a boyfriend on Valentine's Day, in order not to get bored, amused herself by approaching a random couple in a restaurant and indignantly asking the man, "Who on earth is this?"
The evening ceased to be boring.
A man walks down the street and mutters under his breath, in a discontented and sarcastic tone: "Well, thank you, God. For a bitch wife, for a lazy son, for haemorrhoids. I wish I could go on living like this! I barely have enough money, in a two-bedroom flat with my father-in-law and mother-in-law!"
A surprised guardian angel looks down at him and writes in his notes: "Incredible! He is content with everything. The wishes remain the same."
The argument between a Coca-Cola lover and a Pepsi-Cola lover was almost over when one's iPhone and the other's Samsung rang.
How can you tell a physicist from a mathematician?
The question we must ask ourselves is: "What is the antonym of the word 'parallel'?
A mathematician will answer "perpendicularly", a physicist "consistently".
Excursion to hell. Tourists approach a tank of boiling resin, where an intelligent-looking woman floats calmly. Surprised, they ask her:
- Who are you?
- Teacher.
-How did you end up in hell?
- Oh, come on, my dears, after my students, this is just a resort!
At school.
-Alex, what do you want to be when you grow up?
The teacher asks.
-Saint Nicholas!
Why?
- Work for a week and you'll be free for a whole year!
A young man complains to a friend:
- It's so difficult to sell the apartment... My parents are always at home!