Jokes about life and people.
At the university, students were taking a written exam. Some of them were cheating while looking at their phones.
The professor first walked up and down the aisles trying to catch the offenders, then stood in the middle of the room and loudly said, "Okay, Google, play some music!"
Many students later retaken the exam.
A daughter asks her mother:
"Mom, what's the difference between a beauty salon and a hairdresser?"
"Well, honey, they cut your hair pretty much the same, but after you get a haircut at the salon, the hairdresser says, 'How beautiful you look now!'"
I work in the administrative department. Today, an elderly lady came in for an appointment, and her issue was resolved pretty quickly. I thought she'd be happy, but she asked:
"Do I need to go anywhere else?"
"No, we've decided everything."
"Well, maybe I need to go somewhere else?"
"Why?" I ask, confused.
"Well, my kids gave me a fitness watch; I need to walk 8,000 steps a day, so I'm walking."
A female student tells her friends:
- Can you imagine, I stopped by my grandmother's house today after classes at university... I was hungry, and she had a whole pot of porridge on the stove. I, being hungry, poured some into my plate and was standing there devouring it. Then my grandmother came into the kitchen and asked, "So, was the porridge tasty?"
I answered, "It was delicious!" and she replied, "Well, that's great, that means our cocker spaniel will like it too; it's his porridge..."
Conversation between friends:
- Come on, think before you speak!
- Oh, I tried, but it prevents me from speaking!
Job interview. The HR representative asks the candidate:
"Well, I understand your experience, but I'm surprised that your file says you were fired from your previous job for changing the water in the cooler. How's that possible?"
"Well, I just swapped the water in the cooler for wine..."
Upon arriving home after a night of playing cards,
The husband boasts to his wife:
-I was very fortunate today,
I lost my blue suit, which you bought me for two hundred euros, as if it had cost six hundred.
Two well-known ladies are talking:
—Oh, Catherine, I have to confess something to you. I am your husband's mistress.
— Oh, you can't trust anyone! And my husband told me that all his mistresses are young and pretty...
The son asks his mother:
- Mum, why does Dad have so little hair on his head?
-He's very clever!
-Why do you have so many?
- Don't bother me and eat your dinner!
We don't usually throw away perfectly cooked food... We put a fresh dish in a container, put it in the fridge, wait for it to spoil... And only then do we throw it away...
At work, the employees were discussing what time each of them gets up. One girl, who lives closer to work than anyone else, says, "I get up at 5 in the morning." Everyone, intrigued, asks why so early, and she explains, "Every morning I wash my hair, put patches under my eyes for dark circles and a face mask on my face."
Everyone asked her if she should perhaps get some tests done to find out why she has dark circles under her eyes.
To which the girl replies: "Because I don't get enough sleep! I get up at 5 in the morning!"
According to statistics, most men do not fulfil 50% of what they promise.
And most women do 90% of what they promised never to do.
The wife asks her husband, who is about to go to the shop:
— Are you going to buy food?
The husband replies:
— Of course. What do you need to buy?
The wife:
— Buy only the essentials, save money!
...An hour later, the husband returns home:
— I bought beer, crisps and ice cream. There was nothing else important.
A woman calls an electrician on the phone:
"I asked you to come and fix the doorbell!"
"I came today, but no one answered the door!" replies the electrician.
"But I was home the whole time and didn't go anywhere!" the woman exclaims indignantly.
"Well, I came, rang the doorbell, no one answered, so I left," explains the electrician.
The son asks his father:
- Dad, is it true that in some Eastern countries the groom does not know who his bride is until he marries her?
-This is true for all countries, son!
Have you noticed that all our childhood punishments have become our adult goals:
Eat vegetables, stay at home, take a nap, and go to bed early?
I was so touched today when I paid the state fee for my divorce and my attentive bank offered to create a template for this payment.
Note to men:
before arguing with a woman, think carefully about whether it is necessary to argue with her: after all, you will most likely get tired of arguing with her after 10 to 15 minutes, but she will definitely not get tired.
A group of men are discussing sports in a bar. Some say football is the best, others say basketball. An intelligent-looking man says:
- But for me, the best sport is boxing!
- Why? Are you a boxer?
The man replies:
- No, what are you talking about? I'm a dentist!
A mathematician tells his girlfriend about a romantic trip to the Alps:
"Below, a river flows at a speed of 20-25 km/h, and on its banks rise mountains stretching into infinity."
The son speaks to his father:
- Dad, remember you promised me ten euros if I finished third year with excellent marks?
-Yes, yes, of course. So, how are you?
-Congratulations, Dad. You saved ten euros!
A little girl says to her mother:
- Mum, why do you have one grey hair?
-It's because you, my daughter, don't listen to me.
The daughter, deep in thought, replies:
Ah, now it's clear why all of Grandma's hair is grey.
In court, the judge addresses an elderly man:
"Why are you filing for divorce? You've been married to your wife for 40 years!"
"Your Honour, do you think I haven't suffered enough?"
An emergency call:
-Hello, is this an emergency?
-Yes, good evening, how may I help you?
-Hurry, my wife has delirium tremens!
-How do you know that?
-We have a huge white horse walking around the house, but for some reason she can't see it!
Yesterday I helped my neighbor fix her shower faucet, and she happily said, "I could marry you."
I couldn't believe it.
So you do good for people, and suddenly they try to completely ruin your life.
Wedding preparations. The parents are getting the bride ready for the wedding.
The father is upset and cries. The mother says:
—Stop being upset! Let the groom cry now!
A real estate agent arrives at the house. The woman asks him:
- Where have you been?
- Showing the flat.
- Why do you smell like alcohol?
- Should it smell like the flat?
After the premiere of the contemporary theatre production of Anna Karenina, one audience member left the following comment in the theatre's guest book:
"I have never waited so long for a train."
My mind is like my internet browser:
I have 19 tabs open, 5 of them are frozen, and I have no idea where the music is coming from.
In kindergarten, they ask Miguel, aged 5:
—Miguel, who do you listen to more, Mum or Dad?
Miguel thinks for a moment and then replies:
—To Mum, of course!
—Why?
—She talks more!
Today, after the Halloween party, I started thinking about how many people commented on my Instagram photos: "Wow, you're the scariest one in these photos!"
I don't know if it was a compliment.
Children in kindergarten were asked what age is best to get married, and one girl replied:
"At 75, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time in bed and love each other."
Today I heard my neighbours, a married couple who are both teachers, arguing loudly! How advanced they are! During the hour and a half that the row lasted, they didn't utter a single swear word, but I heard so many original idiomatic expressions!
Today I was at a job interview when the manager gave me his laptop and said: "I want you to try to sell it to me..."
I tucked it under my arm, left the building and went home...
The manager called me and said: "Give me back my laptop! Now!"
I said, "$200 and it's yours..." I hope they accept me.
I go to a real estate agency. There, all the walls are covered with huge advertising posters.
"Super promotion! Buy a flat and get a baseball cap!"
However, the generosity of estate agents knows no bounds.
Why, as the advertisement says, is every new toothpaste recommended by only nine out of ten dentists?
Who is this tenth person who constantly disapproves of everything?
When people tell you that you have a cosy home, they usually mean that it is small, cramped and cluttered with furniture.
Husband to his wife:
- Darling! Now we'll be living in an expensive flat!
- Darling! Have you finally decided to buy a nice flat?
- No, it's just that the utility bills have gone up again.
Yesterday, somebody called me from the school and said, 'Your son lies constantly'...
I replied, "Tell this chap he's really lying, because I don't have any sons."
A Year 5 B teacher, after receiving 15 bars of chocolate and 5 boxes of sweets from the children at the end of the school year, thought that if the affection of the pupils and their parents was expressed in sweets, he would develop type 2 diabetes...
According to studies on couples, 80% of men do not know why their wives are angry. The remaining 20% do not even know that their wives are angry.
From a conversation between a real estate agent and a colleague:
- What are you doing?
- Oh, I'm studying the train schedule.
- What for?
- A nice apartment popped up here, and there are trains passing under the windows, so I check when there's a break to take a client.
When we were children, to get an adrenaline rush, we would ring the doorbell and run away.
Now you feel a rush of adrenaline when your doorbell rings.
A good wife will always be by your side in difficult times.
Above all, to remind you that none of this would have happened if you had listened to her.
A teenage daughter asks her mother before going out for a walk:
-Mummy, do you like walking barefoot?
- Yes, of course, I love being barefoot...
- Well, then I went for a walk in your sandals...
The family is spending their first holiday with their son, who is in the first year of primary school.
The father asks his son:
- Alex, well, what is your favourite subject at school?
The son responds with a sigh:
- The fifth, after him always at home.
I bought some medicine.
I read the side effects: drowsiness, eye pain, tinnitus, nervousness, insomnia, cramps, dry mouth, vomiting, gastritis, constipation, migraine...
I'm sitting here thinking, "Screw that runny nose..."
The wife complains to her husband:
-Why is it all things are never the way I want them to be?
"What do you want then?" asks the husband.
- Well, I don't know...
...
Parents return home after the holidays and encounter an evil neighbour:
- Neighbour, your son and his friends kept the whole house awake all night!
At home, the father asked his son:
What were you doing all night that kept your neighbours awake?
- Dad, well, we only had a little wine.
- And then?
- So we sang very softly... And then Denis sang a little out of tune, and we started arguing very softly...
A man got a job in a factory. The next day he found himself in hospital. His friend comes to visit him:
- What happened?
- Ah, nothing special, I go into the workshop and shout to my colleague: "José, pass me a 27 mm spanner".
- So what?
- If I had known that so many Josés worked there...
In a hospital, a modern patient, after an operation and coming out of anaesthesia, asks first:
- What is the Wi-Fi password?
The nurse, indignant, replies:
- You're in intensive care!
Patient:
- Should I write in upper or lower case?
A woman consults a salesperson in a building supplies shop:
- I have three children. One is three years old, another is six, and the third will soon be ten. What would you recommend for flooring in the children's room?
Salesperson (thoughtfully):
- It would be better, of course, to pave...
At the wedding of one of the girls from the volleyball team, the bridesmaids did not drop the bouquet for two hours.
The tenant to the landlord:
- Landlord, I need 12 more keys, for me and my mates!
Owner with a sigh:
- Perhaps it would be better to install a revolving door?
At three in the morning, Dad's mobile rings.
The daughter calls from the next room and whispers:
- Dad, please bring me some water. My cat is sleeping on my feet and I don't want to wake him up...
A mathematician was admitted to hospital and after the operation the doctor asked him:
- Patient, how are you feeling? Do you know what day it is today?
-Whole, positive.
- Darling, I'm waiting for some indecent proposals from you.
-Let's cook spaghetti for dinner and eat it in bed by candlelight.
-This is just too indecent.
The best way to teach a child to be independent:
If he is under 12, write him a note: "Darling, there's food in the pan, go and eat it."
If he is under 15, write him a note: "Darling, there is food in the fridge, heat it up and eat it."
If he is under 20, write him a note: "Darling, the money is on the table, buy yourself something to eat and eat it."
If he is over 26 years old, write him a note: "Darling, the food is at the supermarket. I hope you've been paid. Don't forget to leave us some of what you buy."
An online survey was conducted. The question was: "What would you do if you saw a green man?"
Sixty per cent of adults who responded voted to "stop drinking".
Thirty per cent of adults who responded voted for 'start drinking'.
Nine per cent of adults who responded chose "go to a psychiatrist".
And only a few children voted for 'start crossing the road'.
There is a test on traffic regulations. The examiner asks:
- The task is this: an intersection, here you are, here is a bus, here is a lorry, here is a motorbike. Who will go first?
The student observes the problem and responds confidently:
- Taxi driver.
-Why a taxi driver?! Where did the taxi driver come from?!
- Who knows where these taxi drivers come from!
Friends talking on the phone: "Darling, how is that possible? Are you telling me that they called you at two in the morning while you were asleep and you couldn't help insulting the person who called you? Well, that's not right, it's rude... Now, at four in the morning, is the right time to call them back and apologise for being rude."
What is comedy? It's when you have someone to be with, something to do, but nowhere to do it.
What is drama? It's when you have a place, something to do it with, but no one to do it with.
What is tragedy? It's when you have a place, you have someone to do it with, you have something to do it with, but why!
Problem statement: Three frogs were sitting on a water lily. One decided to jump into the water.
Question: How many frogs are left on the water lily?
The correct answer is: unknown, since deciding and jumping are two different things.
A client asks a real estate agent:
- Why does a real estate agent always answer a question with another question?
- Why do you need to know this?
The landlord sternly asks the new tenant:
- I hope you don't have children. I can't stand their screaming.
- No, I'm alone.
- Dogs, cats? They bother the tenants.
- No.
- Won't you turn on the radio? Will you play musical instruments?
- No, I don't intend to. But I want to warn you: I'm a writer, I write sometimes, and my pen squeaks a little...
The director of a real estate agency asks a candidate during an interview:
- Young man, why did you decide to come and work for our agency?
- Dad, don't ask silly questions!
My phone battery is dead and I need to find an unfamiliar address. I walk down the street, trying to get my bearings. I see a man approaching. I run up to him and say, 'Excuse me, please...' Before I can finish my sentence, he replies, 'It's okay, I've already forgiven you for everything...' and keeps walking.
At kindergarten, the teacher asks the children before eating.
- Children, why do we wash our hands before eating?
One of the children cheerfully replies:
- I know! So as not to dirty the spoons!
High school teacher:
"Those who get 9s and 10s will go to heaven, and those who get 3s and 2s will go to hell."
Voice from the back of the class:
"Is there a chance of ending up alive in high school?"
A restaurant. Two elderly gentlemen have finished dinner and are chatting slowly over their drinks.
— Tell me, Robert, what do you think of jogging?
— Nothing good, Hugo. I don't like it.
— Why not? It's actually quite healthy at our age!
— Perhaps. But when I jog, my whiskey always spills and my cigar goes out.
Today I saw an advertisement:
"We will fix everything your husband repaired."
I laughed, but I wrote down the telephone number...
The dog went to the telegram office, took out a blank form, and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely said to the dog,
"There are only nine words here. You can send another 'Woof' for the same price."
The dog replied, "But then my message wouldn't make sense!"
After school, my son informs me that for art class, the teacher asked each pupil to bring 15 wine corks tomorrow...
I imagine my wife and I will have a very busy afternoon today completing this teacher's assignment...
A worker trains a new colleague:
- I've studied this lathe, this milling machine, and this electric sharpener perfectly.
Now I know this equipment like the last three fingers on my hand.
Despite the red light, the taxi driver crossed the intersection and was stopped by a police inspector.
"Driver, didn't you see the red light?" asks the inspector.
-I saw the red light, but the problem is that I didn't see you...
A man writes on social media: "Friends, I need help from knowledgeable people! I just had an argument with my wife and, for the first time in 10 years of marriage, she agreed with me! Tell me, what should I do now?"
There are two types of people:
One says, "It's only 10 o'clock at night..."
Another says, "It's already 10 o'clock at night..."
And the most difficult thing is if they live together and are married.
A bald man walks into a barber shop and says to the barber:
"If you give me a haircut like yours, I'll pay you 1000 euros."
The barber thought about it and, of course, agreed.
Then he quickly and very carefully shaved his own head.
Classical literature is built on suffering!
Either the character, the author, or the reader suffers.
And if all three suffer, it's a great classic!
Any experienced driver knows that if a car with an "L" sign turns on its windscreen wipers before an intersection, it means it is about to turn.
A man bought a new refrigerator and placed the old one by the door with a sign that read: "If you need a refrigerator, take it for free.".
For three days, the refrigerator stood there untouched.
On the fourth day, the man got tired of it and changed the sign. This time he wrote: "Refrigerator for sale, price €50".
The next morning, the refrigerator was gone.
At the hospital, a nurse enters a patient's room:
-Patient, wake up. Come on, wake up!
The patient wakes up:
- What happened, nurse?
- I brought you some sleeping pills, take them!
In a math lesson, a student solves an example on the board.
The teacher asks:
"Michael, can you show everyone how to get rid of the denominator of this fraction?"
The student replies:
"We have to wipe it off with a rag!"
"Honey, did you lock our computer?"
"Yes."
"What's the password?"
"Our wedding date."
"Damn."
A husband wakes up in the night and says to his wife:
— Darling, listen! There's someone in the kitchen!
The wife's voice echoes from the kitchen:
— Darling, it's me. I'm in the kitchen. And I'm watching the cake so that no one comes in and steals it...
I've never seen a person argue with a plumber. But I often see people actively questioning doctors' opinions. Either the toilet is far more complex than the human body, or people fear the plumber more than the doctor.
The woman says to her husband:
"Look, our neighbor kisses his wife every morning when he leaves for work. Why don't you do the same?"
"Well, why should I kiss her? I don't even know her!"
In an elementary school literature class, the teacher asks the students:
"Whoever has read the book, tell me, what did Robin Hood give to the poor? Marco, tell us!"
The student, evidently not having read the book, thought for a moment and cautiously responded:
"Wi-Fi?"
Early in the morning I was fast asleep when I suddenly heard an angry voice next to me:
"Are you still sleeping? Get up quickly! It's time for school!"
"I don't want to go to school... I want to sleep a little more," I answered and lay back down.
But the voice didn't stop:
"Mom, I have to go to school, not you! Get up, take me!"
Family dinner. The wife asks her husband:
—Jose, what are you having for dinner?
The husband, remembering what the nutritionist said:
—Oh, honey, give me a piece of this fish...
—Jose, it's a pork chop!
—María, did I ask you what this fish was called?
The friends are talking:
– What did your loved one give you for Valentine's Day?
Pendant, ring, and earrings. And you?
– The keys to the apartment.
Wow! When are you inviting me to the housewarming party?
– I don't know. There are only keys. He hasn't bought the apartment yet.
Client to builder:
- In my opinion, the walls are too thin...
- They're fine. There'll be wallpaper too!
Dog training is difficult: I spent a month barking to teach my dog to bark when he wants to eat...
Now he won't eat until I start barking...
It seems we misunderstand each other...
In a pizzeria, a man came in to order a pizza.
The pizza chef asked him how many slices he should cut the pizza into: 4 or 6?
The gentleman thought for a moment and replied:
—Cut it into four portions, I'm not hungry enough to eat six...
Friends are talking, one asks the other:
- Your daughter's piano lessons must have cost a fortune?
- On the contrary. Thanks to them, I bought the flat next door for half the price...
I bought a course where they teach you English while you sleep.
But my wife kicked the teacher out of our bed...
Mom says to her son:
"Tom, this morning I left two pieces of cake in the cupboard, and now there's only one left. How come?"
"Well, Mommy, how come you don't understand? It was so dark, and I didn't notice the second piece."
The young man can't leave his computer.
His parents called the doctor.
The doctor examined him and said:
"He'll have to be treated!"
Parents:
"How?"
"Cigarettes, alcohol, girls," the doctor replied.
The lady is walking past a cemetery, she is afraid. Suddenly she sees a man standing there, she asks him to accompany her so that she won't be so scared. The man is very nice, polite, jokes.
The lady compliments him before parting: "You are such an interesting person..."
To which the man replies: "Oh, it's a pity that we didn't meet while I was alive!..."
The newlyweds, after a long and tiring wedding day, are finally alone. The happy husband sits on the bed and says:
- How impatiently I have waited for this moment!
The bride responds enthusiastically:
- Have your new shoes also been too tight all this time?
The boy asks his father:
- Dad, are insects good to eat?
- Ugh, this is disgusting. Don't talk about such things at dinner, - replies the father.
After dinner, the father asks:
- Well son, what did you want to ask me?
- Oh, daddy, it's all right now. There was just a bug in your soup, but now it's gone," replies the boy.
The biggest joke for humanity is that computers have started asking humans to prove they are not robots.
In the hospital, a patient turns to a nurse:
- What disgusting medicine you brought me today!
The nurse replies in surprise:
- What medicine? It's just your lunch!
At the cardiologist’s office, after an examination, the doctor says to the patient:
— You urgently need surgery!
— Doctor, can’t it wait? I’ve been on the waiting list for six months to get dental implants!
The cardiologist pauses… A minute passes, then two, then five…
— Doctor, why are you silent?
— I’m just imagining: Chopin is playing, everyone is crying, and you’re lying in the coffin with beautiful, straight, dazzlingly white teeth!
Call to a real estate agency:
- Hello, I would like to speak to my manager.
- I'm sorry, but it's impossible, it's not here.
- How could he not be, I saw him through the window a minute ago!
- He saw you too...
A man went to a dental clinic for a dental bridge.
After the consultation, the dentist gave him an estimate.
- Doctor, did you get confused about something?
- I don't think so.
- I think you got confused about the price... I need a bridge for normal human teeth, not for crossing the whole Strait of Gibraltar...
At home, the grandfather says to his grandson:
- Go and hide quickly, your teacher is here because you're missing school!
The grandson, frightened:
- Grandfather, go and hide quickly! I told him that you had died...
Two friends meet:
- Oh Jose, why are you so sad this morning?
- Oh, I have great grief... our family almost suffered an air accident.
- What are you talking about?!
- Yesterday evening a plane landed at the airport, on which my wife's relatives arrived to visit us.
Conversation with a nutritionist:
- So, here's your diet: one apple, one egg, and low-fat yogurt...
The patient clarifies:
- Got it, doctor, should you eat this before or after meals?
An elderly husband says to his wife after going to the doctor:
"Imagine! This doctor decided I'm so old that he sent me to an archaeologist!"
His wife reassures him:
"Honey, you didn't hear, he sent you to an audiologist..."
For a long time I couldn't understand the reason for my ill health. I had an ultrasound, all the blood tests, checked my hormones, had an MRI, visited a neurologist, signed up for an electrocardiogram and an X-ray. At the end, I took the results to my doctor and asked him what he had seen.
The doctor listened to me, reviewed all the tests and said:
-I see that you have a lot of money and a lot of energy..
Recently decided to try skydiving for the first time.
Before the flight this guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane and as we plammeted he said:
"So, how long have you been an instructor?"...
Conversation between two friends:
— I drank too much at the party last night… and Pedro took advantage of it.
— Did he hit on you?! — The friend is indignant.
— No, quite the opposite — he ran away!..
Yesterday I spent all day until late at night plastering the walls and ceiling.
And this morning, out of habit, while spreading pâté on bread, I mechanically sealed all the holes in the bread and rubbed the unevenness of the pâté.
Well, renovating a flat changes our lives completely...
The rich owner says to the architect:
- To the right of the villa, build three pools: one with warm water, the second with cold water and the third without water.
- Why a pool without water?
- Some of my friends can't swim.
The wife says to her husband:
"Please buy a carton of milk, and if they have eggs, buy six".
The husband goes to the shop and brings six cartons of milk.
The wife is indignant: "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?
The husband is perplexed: "But you said yourself that if they had eggs, buy six, they had eggs...".
The little son asks his father:
- Dad, why do turtles go so slowly?
- Because they live 300 years and still have time.
A lady buys an expensive piece of jewellery in a boutique.
The saleswoman asks her:
-Excuse me, why is your money so wet?
-Oh, I'm so sorry. It's just that my husband cried a lot when he gave it to me....
A family bought a flat and started renovations. The wife says to her husband:
- Go to the neighbours' house downstairs and ask them how many rolls of wallpaper they bought when they did the renovations.
He went and they told him:
- Twenty.
They bought them and started gluing them together. There were 6 rolls left. The husband gets angry and goes back to the neighbours' house:
- What, you bastards! Was it so hard to tell the truth? We have 6 rolls left!
- Ah, yes, we have 6 rolls left too.
Co-workers ask the lucky person who has got a new city flat:
- How many defects have you found in the new flat?
- One so far.
- Nice! What kind?
- I can't open the door...
A man comes into a tattoo studio and asks the tattoo-master:
-Can you put a tank on my back?
-Yes, sure.
Two minutes passed and the master said:
-Ready!
-How could it be so fast?
-What? There are only a few letters...
If you have good posture, intelligent eyes and a mysterious smile, then you have just realised that you are being photographed.
In a store, a customer asks the salesperson:
-Honey, I'd like a box of chocolates, but not too expensive ones."
-Is this for your girlfriend?
-No, I want to give it to my doctor.
The salesperson clarifies:
-Is this gratitude or revenge?
As a child, I was terrified of all kinds of monsters, ghosts, and other evil spirits. But my mother said that all evil spirits could be vacuumed out, so I vacuumed my room regularly and thoroughly.
Mom, how clever!
At the hospital, a nurse tells the doctor:
- Doctor, the patient in room 11 is feeling better: today he spoke for the first time!
The doctor asks:
- What did he say?
- That he feels terrible.
The nephew came to visit his aunt with toys:
- Aunt Isabel, can I leave my toys with you for a while?
- What happened, sweetheart?
- You know, they brought my brother home from the maternity hospital. First we have to find out what kind of person he is...
The landlord tells the student renting a room:
"I won't let you leave the room you're occupying until you pay for it."
Student:
"Thank you so much! I finally have long-term accommodation!"
The most important invention in human history is the written contract, which allows people to put in writing all the reasons why they do not trust each other.
Why do you look so sad?
-My wife is going to a resort.
And are you worried about her?
- No, but if there's no sadness on my face, she'll never go ....
I asked my husband to go to the store. I gave him a list of things to buy:
1. Bread. 2. Sausage. 3. Milk. 4. Toothpaste. 5. Toilet paper. 6. Beer.
When my husband returned from the store, the package contained: a loaf of bread, two sausages, three cartons of milk, four tubes of toothpaste, five rolls of toilet paper, and six bottles of beer.
Nothing to complain about. But next time I'll start the list with beer.
I have found the perfect way to avoid talking to strangers when I am not in the mood. If a stranger invades my space, I make a surprised face and whisper "Can you see me?.."
I told my sister a secret and said, "Just don't tell Mom."
My sister told Mom, and then told her not to tell me what she said...
Then Mom called me and said she knew everything, but asked me not to tell my sister what she told me...
So now everyone knows everything, but no one can admit it.
As we age, our minds begin to work in surprising ways:
My wife has already forgotten the laptop password she created yesterday... Yet she remembers exactly what I told her on April 12, 2001, at 9:04 a.m.
In the library:
-Hello, give me some Dickens books.
-Can you be more precise?
- Charles John Huffam Dickens, born 7 February 1812...
The husband asks his wife:
— Honey, why are all your meatballs different sizes lately?
The wife replies:
— Well, look, you're still complaining... You said yourself you wanted variety in your food, didn't you?
According to observations, a man differs from a woman in that when a woman calls:
"Darling, come try/smell this.." - it is usually pleasant and tasty
But when a man calls:
"Darling, come try/smell this" - it is usually something disgusting...
A father talks to his school-age child:
-Here are ten sweets, give half to your little brother.
-I'll give him three sweets.
- How is that possible? Can't you count?
-I can, but he can't yet.
Vaping is weird... you walk past a group of dudes who look like gangsters but smell like strawberry muffins...
An estate agent and a couple who are thinking of buying a house in the countryside are talking.
- The house you showed us yesterday is very nice, but the ugly concrete building opposite spoils the whole view.
- It's all right, it's a dynamite factory. Sooner or later it will explode anyway.
Did you know that cats are much more resilient than dogs?
A dog will lie down in one place for half an hour, then run somewhere, do something, ask to be taken for a walk..
But the cat is resilient: it can sleep motionless and do nothing for hours...
A frustrated man sits down at a bar.
- Is everything okay? - the bartender asks.
- My wife said she won't talk to me for a month. - the customer replies.
The bartender says:
- Well, maybe that's a good thing... a little peace and quiet.
- Yes, but today is the last day of this month. - the customer explains.
In the hospital after surgery, the patient says to the anesthesiologist:
"Doctor, tell me, the nurse was dancing on the table and now she's standing next to me in a gown. Why?"
Anesthesiologist, satisfied:
"Okay, great... The anesthesia is wearing off."
A housewife, a gestor, and a lawyer were asked a simple question: What is 2 + 2?
The housewife immediately replied: 2 + 2 is 4.
The gestor replied, "Most likely it's 4, but it could be 5; I need to check all the initial data."
The lawyer drew the curtains, dimmed the lights, lit a cigarette, lowered himself carefully into a chair, and, looking shrewdly at his interlocutor, asked, "And how much would you like it to be?"
How our lives have changed: My parents only had 10 photos of me from 1993 and they kept them carefully... and now, as of 7 a.m., I've already managed to take 156 photos of my cat.....
A taxi driver stops to pick up a passenger:
-Where are we going?
The woman answers:
- To the maternity ward and quickly!
The taxi driver quickly starts moving, worried, remembering all the movies where a woman gives birth in a taxi...
- Driver, don't drive so fast, I work there, - says the passenger.
The plane takes off into the sky. The voice of the senior pilot:
"Dear passengers!... Oh my god... Ouch... What is this!
All the passengers look at each other in shock, looking for danger.. The voice of the senior pilot again:
"Sorry for the delay, the stewardess spilled hot coffee on me.. You should have seen the front of my white pants now.."
One of the passengers mutters under his breath through his teeth, "You should have seen the back of my pants now.."Deberían haber visto la parte trasera de mis pantalones..."
The toilet in the doctor's house clogged. They called a plumber, the plumber came, hit something with a hammer a couple of times, replaced the gasket, tightened the nut. Then he says:
-Done, everything works. That'll be 200 euros.
-What do you mean, 200 euros? For five minutes of work? I'm a neurosurgeon, I studied my speciality for 12 years, but I don't get paid 200 euros for 5 minutes of work.
-So it's normal. When I was a neurosurgeon I didn't get paid like that either.
The friends are talking:
"Miguel, listen, I saw your wife at the theater yesterday. She coughed so much that everyone stared at her. What happened? Did she get sick?"
"No, she just bought a new dress and really wanted everyone to look at her!"
In court, the judge asks:
Plaintiff, do you still claim that the defendant called you a catastrophic moron?
- Yes, Your Honor! Not in plain text, but the meaning of the statement is not in doubt.
- What exactly did he say? - asks the judge
- He told me: "Well, in terms of intelligence, you and I are on the same level.."!
My wife's birthday is next week and she has jewelry catalogs scattered all over the house...
Maybe I'll take her interests into account and buy her a magazine rack.
A millionaire's daughter takes her fiancé, a simple man, to meet her parents.
The father asks him: "Do you have a house?
The man replies: "God willing, I will!
The father asks again: "Do you have a car?
The man replies, "God willing, I will!".
The father insists: "Can you support my daughter?
The man replies again: "God willing, I can keep her...".
After all, the daughter's mother asks the father: "And how did you find him?
The father: "He's a complete failure, of course, but I really like how he calls me...!
An estate agent shows a flat to a married couple and praises it: this is such and such a room, this is such and such a light, this is such and such a bathroom.
The husband asks: "And the advertisement also said that there are quiet neighbours here. Is that true?"
The estate agent calls his buyers to the window. They look in and say, "But this is a cemetery!"
"Of course," the estate agent cheerfully replies, "but you'll never again be woken up in the morning by loud music or a noisy drill!"
One morning I had to get up early - to go to the airport. I set the alarm on the music center for 4:30 in the morning to wake up guaranteed. I made it louder.
I got up with the alarm, got ready for the airport and flew away on business for 2 weeks..
After 2 weeks I returned and met my neighbors who were ready to kill me: all these two weeks at 4:30 in the morning my alarm on the music center turned on the song Du Hust at a rather high volume..
I lost my wife in the market and suddenly I see a stunning blonde standing next to me.
I said to her:
-Hello, I lost my wife here.
-Well, how can I help?
- Nothing, but as soon as she see that I'm talking to you...
Oh, here she is! Thank you )
-An ancient truth says that it is stupid to argue with idiots..
- How so? And if it is absolutely necessary to convince a person that he is wrong? For his own good! You will have to convince even an idiot, there is no escape!
- Really? Well, I will not argue with you..
While my girlfriend slept, I got up and made her a delicious breakfast.
But she slept so much that I got hungry, ate the breakfast I had prepared and went back to bed.
It's a pity she doesn't know how perfect and loving I am.
A phone call to a tattoo parlor. The client asks:
"Does it hurt to get a tattoo?..."
The artist replies: "Well, it depends on the place..."
Client: "Well, I live in San Pedro..."
Cliente: "Bueno, vivo en San Pedro..."
Did you know that laughing at your own mistakes can extend your life by several years!
But don't get it wrong, because laughing at your wife's mistakes, on the contrary, can shorten your life...
At the maternity hospital, after my son was born, I went outside to get some fresh air. Then I started talking to another man who had had a daughter there yesterday. He congratulated me and said, humorously, "Maybe they're getting married?"
Well, of course, as if my son were going to marry someone twice his age, I thought...
Not all women want flowers.
Some just want 20 hectares of land with a nice country house, with beautiful barns, green pastures and a flowing stream, a blooming garden that you can see from your porch...
I just applied for life insurance, and they asked me:
“Sir, do you participate in any dangerous activities?"
I replied, "Yes, sometimes I disagree with my wife!"
I had a pretty strange day today... First, I found a hat full of money on the sidewalk. And as I happily walked home with the hat, an angry guy with a guitar chased me....
My wife is very upset with our neighbor, who likes to sunbathe naked in her backyard. Personally, I disagree; I think we should respect the interests of others...
A schoolchild asks his father:
Dad, do you understand math?
-Yes, of course!
-Tell me, if you cut a pie into 3 parts, then each part will make up 0.333 of the pie?
-Correct
-But if you multiply 0.333 back by 3, then you get 0.999? Where does the missing part go?
-The rest stuck to the knife...
-Thanks, Dad!
When I got home and my dog was so happy to see me that he even peed a little out of joy... I thought: none of my friends pees when they see me. So they're not that happy to see me; I'm surrounded by fakers.
Marriage is when one person takes care of the flights, passports, bags, hotel reservations, planning all the entertainment. And the other person keeps asking, "Are we going somewhere again?"
This morning I saw my neighbour talking to her cat; it was obvious that the poor woman thought the cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it... we had a good laugh.
I tell my trainer at my first gym workout:
"I'm surprised how out of breath I am from that exercise."
Personal trainer:
"It was just a tour of the gym."
My neighbors knocked on my door last night at 3:30. Can you believe it?
Luckily, I was still awake, playing guitar.
They shouted, "How about some respect?"
I said, "I'm not really a big Aretha Franklin fan, but oh well. This one's for you!"
Today I was thinking how strange it all is: when we were kids, our parents NEVER had to force us to go outside and play. They had to force us to come inside!
And now I spend hours kicking my son out of the house so that he can play outside with his friends for a little while.
A newbie assistant at a construction site asks the foreman:
- Do you do everything without drawings?
The foreman answers sullenly:
- We've gotten used to it over the years, we estimate everything by eye.
- And if it turns out uneven?
- Then it will be a designer style - "that's how it was intended."
A doctor examining a patient notices bags under the eyes, fatigue and slight trembling of the hands.
- Do you work nights?
- No, I have three children.
- Well, in that case, just hang in there. Only time will help you... It'll get better in about 12 years.
A son talks to his father:
- Dad, did you also want to be an adult as a child?
The father replies:
- Yes, I really wanted to…
- And how did it turn out?
- It turned out… Only now I want to go back to my childhood.
The painter says to his apprentice:
-Go paint the windows.
An hour later the apprentice returns and says to the painter:
- Well, I have already painted the windows, but should I paint the window frames as well?
A real estate agent is renting out an apartment and convinces his client:
— The apartment is great: the neighbors are quiet, the area is calm, the sea is only 10 minutes away...
The client asks with interest:
— Is the sea a 10-minute walk away?
The real estate agent thinks:
— Well, in the photo, yes.
In an elementary school biology class, the teacher asks the students:
"What animal eats and sleeps during the day and makes noise at night?"
One of the students jokes out loud:
"My little brother."
The husband says to his wife:
— You look so beautiful today!
The wife responds cautiously:
— What happened? Did you do something? Do you need anything?...
— No, I just wanted to say...
— That's strange. It's very suspicious...
The teacher says to the students before the exam:
- Students, I hope I won't see you copying from cheat sheets today!
The students muttered quietly to themselves:
-We also hope that you won't see....
My friend has an ideal wife: she works as a schoolteacher.
In any case, she's the only woman in the world who, after asking a question, remains silent for a while to listen to the answer.
A daughter calls her father:
- Dad, come here urgently! There's a huge mouse running around here.
-Ana, I'm at work. Let our cat Fluffy follow her.
- I can't, he's more scared than me, he's sitting on my head, clutching his claws!
I'm sitting in a cafe. A guy comes up to me and says:
- Girl, can I pay for you?
Well, I didn't hesitate, I pulled out the bills for electricity, water, gas......
Conversation with the family doctor:
-Doctor, my back hurts when I wake up in the morning.
- Well, what can I advise you? Wake up at noon!
- This is simply outrageous! - the tenant says to the landlady.
- I've been living in your house for six months, and only today you told me there is no bathtub!
The waiter asks a drunk customer:
-I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?
- Then why do I need two empty glasses?
Two friends meet.
One asks.
-So, did you marry Maria?
- No, she said I was poor.
- But you have a rich uncle. Why didn't you tell her this?
-I said.
- So what?
-Now she is my aunt.
A man caught a taxi. He made himself comfortable in the back seat and relaxed to the quiet, pleasant music. After a while, he touched the driver on the shoulder, asking him to stop. The driver, screaming wildly, threw the wheel and crashed into a tree. The man, cursing, felt his bumps, shook off shards of glass and all sorts of trash. The driver apologized terribly:
- Sorry, dude! This is my third day working as a taxi driver, and before that I drove a hearse for fifteen years!
— Today I went to the social page of an old friend, and he wrote there that he changed his life by 360 degrees.
That, guys, is why it is important for you to study mathematics in school!
At the cardiologist's appointment:
-Mr. Johnson, how many bottles of beer do you drink a day?
- Four.
-What do you mean four? Why so many? I only allowed two!
- My therapist also allowed me to drink two bottles. So together that makes four.
Driving test.
The lady gets into the car.
-Thank you, you didn't pass. - The examiner speaks.
-How could I not pass if I didn't even move? - The lady replies.
-You sat in the back seat.
The estate agent explains:
- I want to be completely honest with you. This house has its drawbacks. To the north there is a huge rubbish dump, to the east a septic tank, to the south a pig farm and to the west a fish factory.
- What are you saying! And what are the advantages of this house?
The agent answers very convincingly:
- He always knows exactly which way the wind is blowing!
A taxi is traveling through the city with a female passenger.
The driver is driving recklessly: he runs red lights, cuts off others, etc.
Finally, the woman can't take it anymore and says:
"Driver, drive carefully, I have eight children at home!"
The taxi driver turned around in surprise:
"And you're talking to me about caution?!"
A teacher complains to his colleague:
- What a class I have! I explain an algebra theorem to them, but they don't understand it. I explain it to them again, but they still don't understand. I'll explain it a third time. I've already understood what I'm talking about, but they still don't understand...
The restaurant doorman bundled three drunken customers into a taxi and explained to the driver where to take them:
"The one on the right lives in Plaza de Mayor, the one in the middle lives on Avenida de España, and the one on the left, you have to take him to Calle El Mar..."
The taxi driver left, but half an hour later, the taxi driver returned with all the passengers.
"What happened?" the doorman asked.
"Explain everything to me from the beginning, where to take whom. On a sharp turn they all got mixed up.."
A person can be considered an adult when he comes to the dentist; what scares him most is not the dental treatment process itself, but the bill for all this treatment.
I needed to replace my toilet. I bought it, it was delivered, the repairman came and did everything.
He calls me to come and see, stands in the doorway, and says, "Everything's ready here. Test it!"
I stare at him, dumbfounded, with a lot of thoughts in my head: "Do I really have to do this in front of him? Can't I do it later? Can I at least close the door?"
I don't know how long I would have stood there in bewilderment, but soon the repairman himself sighed, pressed the toilet flush button, said, "Everything works," and left.
The doorbell rings.
The owner opens it and sees a plumber.
"It's great you came. We've been waiting for you for three days!"
The plumber doubts and answers:
-So, I have the wrong address. They sent me to an apartment where they've been waiting for me for the second month now!
An IT specialist is traveling in a taxi. Suddenly, the car breaks down. The driver tries to start the car, but nothing happens. An IT specialist advises:
- Close all the windows and then open them again! If that doesn't work, restart the car.
A worker says to his colleague:
-I heard Miguel was fired from his job...
-For what?
-They said he talked a lot of nonsense and shied away from work.
-So we can really get fired for that?
-Of course, prime ministers don't get fired for that, but plumbers do!
In a math class, a teacher asks a student:
Miguel, calculate how much your mother should pay for 2 kilos of apples if 1 kilo costs 1.60 euros?
The student thought for a moment and then replied:
"I can't say, teacher. My mother always bargains hard..."
A pretty girl approaches a man on the street:
- Excuse me, but it seems to me that you are the father of one of my children...
The man is frightened:
- Me?
- Calm down, I am a teacher, your son is in my class!
During the lesson, the teacher asks the students:
"Tell me, kids, how do you call the person who keeps talking even when no one is listening?"
There's a silent pause in the class, then one of the students asks uncertainly:
"Teacher?"
- Oh, darling! - the wife exclaims joyfully, meeting her husband from work.
- You must be very pleased, today our boy said his first word! He said "daddy"!
- Wow, that's great! How did that happen? - asks the husband
- Oh, it was at the zoo, near the gorilla's cage!..
A woman with a splendid figure walks into a pharmacy, buys a token to weigh herself and steps on the scales.
Visibly annoyed by the result, she takes off her coat, buys another token and steps on the scales.
Dissatisfied, she buys another token and takes off her jumper, then her shoes.
Stepping off the scales, she sees the pharmacist with a handful of tokens:
"Madam," he says with feeling, "then the rest is paid for by the establishment"....
The father says to his daughter:
_ Daughter, you open the refrigerator every 5 minutes! Has anything changed in there during this time?
-Yes!
-So what then?
-There are fewer tasty treats....
-Doctor, tell me then, how tall should I be given my weight?
- Oh, dear sir, with your weight your height should be 5 meters.
The wife said to her husband, closing the door behind her daughter and her boyfriend:
-Listen, the next time our daughter comes with this boy, don't kiss his hands and say, "You are our saviour!" - Just say "Hi!"
Little Pedro watches his father paint the ceiling, his mother says:
"Look, son, and learn. When you grow up, you'll help your father..."
The son asks, surprised:
"So, won't he have finished painting it himself by then?"
Announcement on the plane:
— If there's an anesthesiologist among the passengers, please come to seat number 39.
A man gets up and walks to seat number 39. Another man is sitting there reading a magazine.
— Hi, I'm an anesthesiologist.
— And I'm a surgeon, hi. Colleague, please fix the lighting for me.
In the doctor's office, a patient:
-Doctor, you have to help me. I always feel like a butterfly...
- Sorry, this is not my area of expertise, so you should see a psychiatrist, not me.
- Yes, you see, I was going to see him, but your light was on at the time.
The husband says to his wife:
"Darling, I bought us tickets to the theater. Next Sunday.
"Maybe you should start getting dressed now so we don't arrive late for once?"
I read real estate ads: all the apartments are warm and bright.
I didn't find a single one that was cold and dark.
In the doctor's office, the doctor is talking to the nurse:
"Miss!" the doctor exclaimed indignantly. "Stop writing cooking recipes on my forms.
Yesterday there was a mix-up at the pharmacy, and instead of medicine, they made a cake for the patient!"
Conversation between two friends:
Look how beautiful the moon is today! Let me take a picture.
-Wait, let's get a little closer.
The neighbors say:
- Oh, Carmen, you're all dressed up. You have some kind of event, are you going to a party?
- No, I think I'll go visit the Johnsons... before they suddenly show up at my house...
During a philosophy exam, the professor asked the students only one question: "Why?"
The highest score was awarded to the student who answered: "Why not?"
I like talking to myself.
In moments like these, I realize there are still intelligent and interesting people on Earth.
Two friends are talking.
- Alejandro, I heard you got a gift certificate for a skydive? Well, did you like it?
- Oh, I flew like a seagull over the city!
- I don't understand what this means?
- I screamed really loud and made a lot of shit!
A young woman who didn't have a boyfriend on Valentine's Day, so as not to get bored, had fun approaching a random couple in a restaurant and in an indignant voice asked the man, "Who the hell is this?"
The evening was no longer boring.
A man walks down the street and mutters under his breath, in a disgruntled and sarcastic tone: “Well, thank you, God. For a bitchy wife, for a lazy son, for the hemorrhoids. I wish I could go on living like this! I barely have enough money, in a two-bedroom apartment with my father-in-law and mother-in-law!”
A surprised guardian angel looks down on him and writes in his notes: “Unbelievable! He’s happy with everything. The wishes remain the same.”
The argument between a Coca-Cola lover and a Pepsi-Cola lover was almost over when one's iPhone and the other's Samsung rang.
A call from a friend:
- Matthew, hi! I haven't heard from you in a while! What's life like after marriage?
- I've never been happier!
- She's nearby, right?
- I'm so happy!
-Sé fuerte, tio! ...
According to statistics, the longest toasts at weddings begin with the words:
"Of course I don't know how to speak nicely..."
How to distinguish a physicist from a mathematician?
The question we should ask them is: "What is the antonym of the word "parallel"?"
A mathematician will answer "perpendicularly", a physicist - "sequentially".
Excursion to Hell. Tourists approach a vat of boiling resin, where an intelligent-looking woman is peacefully floating.
Surprised, they ask her:
"Who are you?"
"A teacher."
"How did you end up in Hell?"
"Oh, come on, my dears, after my students, what kind of Hell is this?"
At school.
"Alex, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
The teacher asks.
"Saint Nicholas!"
"Why?"
"Work for a week and you'll be free for a whole year!"
A boy complains to a friend:
"It's hard to sell the apartment. My parents are always home!"