there are two kinds of people:

one says: "it's only 10 o'clock in the evening..."

the other says "it's already 10 o'clock in the evening..."

and the hardest thing is if they both live together and are married...

My friend has an ideal wife: she works as a schoolteacher.

 In any case, she's the only woman in the world who, after asking a question, remains silent for a while to listen to the answer.

A daughter calls her father:
- Dad, come here urgently! There's a huge mouse running around here.
-Ana, I'm at work. Let our cat Fluffy follow her.
- I can't, he's more scared than me, he's sitting on my head, clutching his claws!

When asked what age is best to get married, children at the preschool responded:

"At 75, you no longer have to work and can spend all your time in bed and love each other."

Today I heard my neighbors, a married couple of teachers, arguing loudly! How advanced they are! During the hour and a half that the commotion lasted, they didn't utter a single swear word, but how many original idioms I heard!

My mind is like my internet browser:

I have 19 tabs open, 5 are frozen, and i have no idea where the music come from.

A woman consults a salesperson in a building materials store:

"I have three children. One is three, the other is six, and the third will soon be ten. What do you recommend for covering the floor in the children's room?"

Salesperson (thoughtfully):

"It would be better, of course, to pave..."

I'm sitting in a cafe. A guy comes up to me and says:
- Girl, can I pay for you?
Well, I didn't hesitate, I pulled out the bills for electricity, water, gas......

Conversation with the family doctor:
-Doctor, my back hurts when I wake up in the morning.
- Well, what can I advise you? Wake up at noon!

- This is simply outrageous! - the tenant says to the landlady.

- I've been living in your house for six months, and only today you told me there is no bathtub!

The waiter asks a drunk customer:
-I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?
- Then why do I need two empty glasses?

Two friends meet.
One asks.
-So, did you marry Maria?
- No, she said I was poor.
- But you have a rich uncle. Why didn't you tell her this?
-I said.
- So what?
-Now she is my aunt.

A man caught a taxi. He made himself comfortable in the back seat and relaxed to the quiet, pleasant music. After a while, he touched the driver on the shoulder, asking him to stop. The driver, screaming wildly, threw the wheel and crashed into a tree. The man, cursing, felt his bumps, shook off shards of glass and all sorts of trash. The driver apologized terribly:

- Sorry, dude! This is my third day working as a taxi driver, and before that I drove a hearse for fifteen years!

— Today I went to the social page of an old friend, and he wrote there that he changed his life by 360 degrees.

That, guys, is why it is important for you to study mathematics in school!

At the cardiologist's appointment:
-Mr. Johnson, how many bottles of beer do you drink a day?
- Four.
-What do you mean four? Why so many? I only allowed two!
- My therapist also allowed me to drink two bottles. So together that makes four.

Driving test.
The lady gets into the car.
-Thank you, you didn't pass. - The examiner speaks.
-How could I not pass if I didn't even move? - The lady replies.
-You sat in the back seat.

The friends are talking, one asks the other:
- Your daughter's piano lessons must have cost a fortune?
- On the contrary. Thanks to them, I bought the flat next door for half the price...

The estate agent explains:
- I want to be completely honest with you. This house has its drawbacks. To the north there is a huge rubbish dump, to the east a septic tank, to the south a pig farm and to the west a fish factory.
- What are you saying! And what are the advantages of this house?
The agent answers very convincingly:
- He always knows exactly which way the wind is blowing!

A taxi is traveling through the city with a female passenger.

The driver is driving recklessly: he runs red lights, cuts off others, etc.

Finally, the woman can't take it anymore and says:

"Driver, drive carefully, I have eight children at home!"

The taxi driver turned around in surprise:

"And you're talking to me about caution?!"

A worker trains a new colleague:
- I have studied this lathe, this milling machine and this electric grinder to perfection.
I now know this equipment like the last three fingers on my hand...

A teacher complains to his colleague:

- What a class I have! I explain an algebra theorem to them, but they don't understand it. I explain it to them again, but they still don't understand. I'll explain it a third time. I've already understood what I'm talking about, but they still don't understand...

The restaurant doorman bundled three drunken customers into a taxi and explained to the driver where to take them:

"The one on the right lives in Plaza de Mayor, the one in the middle lives on Avenida de España, and the one on the left, you have to take him to Calle El Mar..."

The taxi driver left, but half an hour later, the taxi driver returned with all the passengers.

"What happened?" the doorman asked.

"Explain everything to me from the beginning, where to take whom. On a sharp turn they all got mixed up.."

A person can be considered an adult when he comes to the dentist; what scares him most is not the dental treatment process itself, but the bill for all this treatment.

A 5th grade B teacher, after having received 15 bars of chocolate and 5 boxes of sweets from the children at the end of the school year, thought that if the sympathy of the students and their parents was expressed in sweets, he would develop type 2 diabetes...

I needed to replace my toilet. I bought it, it was delivered, the repairman came and did everything. 

He calls me to come and see, stands in the doorway, and says, "Everything's ready here. Test it!" 

I stare at him, dumbfounded, with a lot of thoughts in my head: "Do I really have to do this in front of him? Can't I do it later? Can I at least close the door?" 

I don't know how long I would have stood there in bewilderment, but soon the repairman himself sighed, pressed the toilet flush button, said, "Everything works," and left.

Despite the red light, the taxi driver crossed the intersection and was stopped by a police inspector.

"Driver, didn't you see the red light?" the inspector asks.

"I saw the red light, but the problem is, I didn't see you..."

The doorbell rings.

The owner opens it and sees a plumber.

"It's great you came. We've been waiting for you for three days!"

The plumber doubts and answers:

-So, I have the wrong address. They sent me to an apartment where they've been waiting for me for the second month now!

A taxi driver stops to pick up a female passenger:

-Where are we going?

The woman replies:

-To the maternity ward and quickly!

The taxi driver quickly starts, worried, remembering all the movies where a woman gives birth in a taxi...

-Driver, don't be so nervous, I work there, - says the female passenger.

An IT specialist is traveling in a taxi. Suddenly, the car breaks down. The driver tries to start the car, but nothing happens. An IT specialist advises:

- Close all the windows and then open them again! If that doesn't work, restart the car.

I've never seen a person argue with a plumber. But I often see people actively questioning doctors' opinions. Either the toilet is far more complex than the human body, or people fear the plumber more than the doctor.

In a math lesson, a student solves an example on the board. 

The teacher asks:

- Michael, can you show everyone how to get rid of the denominator of this fraction?

The student responds:

-We have to wipe it off with a rag!..

A worker says to his colleague:

-I heard Miguel was fired from his job...

-For what?

-They said he talked a lot of nonsense and shied away from work.

-So we can really get fired for that?

-Of course, prime ministers don't get fired for that, but plumbers do!

There's a test on traffic regulations. The examiner asks:

"The task is this: an intersection, here you are, here a bus, here a truck, here a motorcycle. Who will cross first?"

The student observes the problem and answers confidently:

"Taxi driver."

"Why a taxi driver?! Where did the taxi driver come from?!"

"Who knows where these taxi drivers come from!"

In a math class, a teacher asks a student:

Miguel, calculate how much your mother should pay for 2 kilos of apples if 1 kilo costs 1.60 euros?

The student thought for a moment and then replied:

"I can't say, teacher. My mother always bargains hard..."

In the hospital after the operation, the patient says to the anesthesiologist:

- Doctor, tell me, the nurse was just dancing on the table, and now she's standing next to me in a robe. Why?

The anesthesiologist, pleased:

- Ok, great... The anesthesia is wearing off.

A pretty girl approaches a man on the street:

- Excuse me, but it seems to me that you are the father of one of my children...

The man is frightened:

- Me?

- Calm down, I am a teacher, your son is in my class!

During the lesson, the teacher asks the students:

"Tell me, kids, how do you call the person who keeps talking even when no one is listening?"

There's a silent pause in the class, then one of the students asks uncertainly:

"Teacher?"

At the hospital, the patient approaches the nurse:

"What kind of horrible medicine did you bring me?!"

The nurse responds in surprise:

"What medicine? This is your lunch!"

The woman calls the electrician:

"I asked you to come fix the doorbell!"

"And I came to see you, and no one opened the door!" the electrician replies.

"But I was at home the whole time and didn't go anywhere!" the woman is outraged.

"Well, I came, rang the doorbell, and no one opened the door, so I left," the electrician explains.

The professor tells the students before the exam:

"Students, I hope I don't see you copying from cheat sheets today!"

The students muttered quietly to themselves:

"We also hope you won't see..."

A wife complains to her husband:

- Why is everything always not the way I want it?

- What do you want? - asks the husband

- Well, I don't know...

...

...

- Oh, darling! - the wife exclaims joyfully, meeting her husband from work.

- You must be very pleased, today our boy said his first word! He said "daddy"!

- Wow, that's great! How did that happen? - asks the husband

- Oh, it was at the zoo, near the gorilla's cage!..

The daughter asks her mother:
- Mum, what's the difference between a beauty salon and a hairdresser's?
- Well, my dear, they cut your hair more or less the same, but after the haircut the hairdresser says: "How beautiful you look now"!

The boy asks his father:

- Dad, are bugs good to eat?

- Ugh, that's disgusting. Don't talk about such things at dinner, - the father replies.

After dinner, the father asks:

- Well, son, what did you want to ask me about?

- Oh, dad, nothing. There was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone, - the boy replies.

The wife says to her husband:
-Look, our neighbour kisses his wife every morning when he leaves for work. Why don't you do the same?
- Well, why should I kiss her? I don't even know her!

The newlyweds, after a long and tiring wedding day, are finally alone. The happy husband sits on the bed and says:
- How impatiently I have waited for this moment!
The bride responds enthusiastically:
- Have your new shoes also been too tight all this time?

The friends are talking:
-Miguel, listen, yesterday I saw your wife in the theatre. She coughed so much that everyone looked at her. What happened? Did she get sick?
- No, she just bought a new dress and really wanted everyone to look at her!

Two ladies of my acquaintance are talking:
-Oh, Catherine, I have to confess to you. I am your husband's mistress.
-Well, no one can be trusted! And my husband told me that all his mistresses are young and beautiful....

A woman with a splendid figure walks into a pharmacy, buys a token to weigh herself and steps on the scales.
Visibly annoyed by the result, she takes off her coat, buys another token and steps on the scales.
Dissatisfied, she buys another token and takes off her jumper, then her shoes.
Stepping off the scales, she sees the pharmacist with a handful of tokens:
"Madam," he says with feeling, "then the rest is paid for by the establishment"....

The father says to his daughter:
_ Daughter, you open the refrigerator every 5 minutes! Has anything changed in there during this time?
-Yes!
-So what then?
-There are fewer tasty treats....

-Doctor, tell me then, how tall should I be given my weight?

- Oh, dear sir, with your weight your height should be 5 meters.

The wife said to her husband, closing the door behind her daughter and her boyfriend:
-Listen, the next time our daughter comes with this boy, don't kiss his hands and say, "You are our saviour!" - Just say "Hi!"

Parents return home from holiday to find an evil neighbour:
- Neighbour, your son and his friends kept the whole house awake all night!
At home the father asked his son:
--What were you doing all night that kept your neighbours awake?
- Dad, well, we just drank some wine.
- And then?
- Then we sang very softly... And then Dénis sang a bit out of tune, and we started to fight very softly...

After school, my son reports that for the plastic arts lesson, the teacher asked each student to bring 15 wine corks tomorrow...

I can only imagine what a busy afternoon my wife and I will have today completing this teacher's homework...

I was very moved today when I paid the state fee for divorce and my attentive bank offered me to create a template for this payment.

The dog went to the telegram office, took out a blank form, and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

The clerk examined the paper and politely said to the dog,

"There are only nine words here. You can send another 'Woof' for the same price."

The dog replied, "But then my message wouldn't make sense!"

I lost my wife at the market, and all of a sudden, I saw a stunning blonde standing next to me. 

I said: "Hi, I lost my wife here."

"So, how can I help?"

"Nothing, but as soon as she sees I'm talking to you...  Oh, here she is! Thanks!"

Did you know that cats are much more resistant than dogs?

A dog will lie in one place for half an hour, then run somewhere, do something, ask to be taken for a walk...

But a cat is resistent: it can sleep motionless and doing nothing for hours.

Yesterday, they called me from the Institute and told me, "Your son lies constantly."

I replied, "Tell this guy he's really lying, because I don't have any children."

While my girlfriend was sleeping, I got up and made her a delicious breakfast.

But she slept so long that I got hungry, so I ate the breakfast I had made and went back to bed.

It's a shame she doesn't know how perfect and loving I am.

Little Pedro watches his father paint the ceiling, his mother says:

"Look, son, and learn. When you grow up, you'll help your father..."

The son asks, surprised:

"So, won't he have finished painting it himself by then?"

Announcement on the plane:

— If there's an anesthesiologist among the passengers, please come to seat number 39.

A man gets up and walks to seat number 39. Another man is sitting there reading a magazine.

— Hi, I'm an anesthesiologist.

— And I'm a surgeon, hi. Colleague, please fix the lighting for me.

The son asks his father:

"Dad, is it true that in some Eastern European countries, the groom doesn't know who his wife is until he gets married?"

"That's true for every country, son!"

The son speaks to his father:

- Dad, do you remember you promised me ten euros if I finished third grade with excellent grades?

- Yes, yes, of course. So, how are you?

- Congratulations, Dad. You saved ten euros!

In the doctor's office, a patient:

-Doctor, you have to help me. I always feel like a butterfly...

- Sorry, this is not my area of ​​expertise, so you should see a psychiatrist, not me.

- Yes, you see, I was going to see him, but your light was on at the time.

Note for men: Before arguing with a woman, think carefully about whether it is necessary to argue with her: after all, you will most likely get tired of arguing with her after 10-15 minutes, but she definitely will not get tired.

The husband says to his wife:

"Darling, I bought us tickets to the theater. Next Sunday.

"Maybe you should start getting dressed now so we don't arrive late for once?"

In the hospital, a nurse enters a patient's room:

"Patient, wake up. Okay, wake up!"

The patient wakes up:

"What happened, nurse?"

"I brought you some sleeping pills, take them!"

In an elementary school literature class, the teacher asks the students:

"Whoever has read the book, tell me, what did Robin Hood give to the poor? Marco, tell us!"

The student, evidently not having read the book, thought for a moment and cautiously replied:

"Wi-Fi?"

The little son asks his father:

"Dad, why do turtles move so slowly?"

"Because they live 300 years and still have time."

A teenage daughter asks her mother before going for a walk:

"Mommy, do you like walking barefoot?"

"Yes, of course, I love being barefoot..."

"Well, then I went for a walk in your sandals..."

I read real estate ads: all the apartments are warm and bright.

I didn't find a single one that was cold and dark.

The painter tells his apprentice:

"Go paint the windows."

An hour later, the apprentice returns and says to the painter:

"Well, I've painted the windows, but should I paint the window frames too?"

The biggest joke on humanity is that computers have started asking humans to prove they are not robots.

Why, as the Ads say, is every new toothpaste recommended by only nine out of ten dentists?

Who is this tenth person who constantly dislikes everything?

In the doctor's office, the doctor is talking to the nurse:

"Miss!" the doctor exclaimed indignantly. "Stop writing cooking recipes on my forms.

Yesterday there was a mix-up at the pharmacy, and instead of medicine, they made a cake for the patient!"

The doctor's bathroom was clogged. They called a plumber. The plumber came, hit something with a hammer a couple of times, replaced the gasket, and tightened the nut. Then he said, "Done, everything works. That'll be 200 euros."

"What, 200 euros? In five minutes of work? I'm a neurosurgeon; I studied my specialty for 12 years, but I don't get paid 200 euros for five minutes of work."

"So it's normal. When I was a neurosurgeon, I didn't get paid that much either."

Yesterday I spent all day and late into the night plastering the walls and ceiling.

And this morning, out of habit, while spreading pâté on the bread, I mechanically sealed all the holes in the bread and rubbed in the unevenness of the pâté.

Well, renovating an apartment changes our lives completely...

Mom says to her son:

"Tom, this morning I left two pieces of cake in the cupboard, and now there's only one left. How come?"

"Well, Mommy, how come you don't understand? It was so dark, and I didn't notice the second piece."

Conversation between two friends:

Look how beautiful the moon is today! Let me take a picture.

-Wait, let's get a little closer.

A father speaks to his school-age son:

"Here are ten candies, give half to your little brother."

"I'll give him three candies."

"How is that possible? Can't you count?"

"I can, but he can't yet."

The nephew came to visit his aunt with toys:

"Aunt Isabel, can I let you have my toys for a while?"

"What happened, honey?"

"You know, they brought my brother home from the maternity hospital. First, we have to find out what kind of person he is..."

From a conversation between a real estate agent and a colleague:

- What are you doing?

- Oh, I'm studying the train schedule.

- What for?

- A nice apartment popped up here, and there are trains passing right under the windows, so I check when there's a break to take a client.

In kindergarten, the teacher asks the children before eating.

"Kids, why do we wash our hands before eating?"

One of the children happily replies:

"I know! So we don't dirty the spoons!"

I bought some medicine.

I read the side effects: drowsiness, eye pain, tinnitus, nervousness, insomnia, cramps, dry mouth, vomiting, gastritis, constipation, migraine...

I'm sitting here thinking, "Screw that runny nose..."

A little daughter asks her mother:

"Mom, why is one of your hairs gray?"

"It's because you, my child, don't listen to me."

The daughter, thoughtful, replies:

"Ah, now it's clear why all of Grandma's hair is gray."

I go to a real estate agency. There, all the walls are covered with huge advertising posters.

"Super promotion! Buy an apartment and get a baseball cap!"

However, the generosity of real estate agents knows no bounds.

At three in the morning, Dad's cell phone rings.

The daughter calls from the next room and whispers:

- Dad, please bring me some water. My cat is sleeping at my feet and I don't want to wake him up.

When I was a child, I was terrified of all kinds of monsters, ghosts, and other evil spirits. But my mother said that all evil spirits can be vacuumed up, so I vacuumed my room regularly and thoroughly.

What a brilliant move that was!

La familia está pasando sus primeras vacaciones con su hijo que está en primer grado de primaria. 

El padre le pregunta a su hijo:

- Alex, bueno, ¿cuál es tu lección favorita en la escuela?

El hijo responde con un suspiro:

- El quinto, después de él siempre a casa.

The neighbors say:

- Oh, Carmen, you're all dressed up. You have some kind of event, are you going to a party?

- No, I think I'll go visit the Johnsons... before they suddenly show up at my house...

During a philosophy exam, the professor asked the students only one question: "Why?"

The highest score was awarded to the student who answered: "Why not?"

A man got a job in a factory. The next day he found himself in the hospital. His friend came to visit him:

- What happened?

- Oh, nothing special. I walked into the workshop and yelled to my colleague: "John, throw me a size 27 wrench."

- So what?

- If I knew so many Johns worked there...

A woman is buying an expensive piece of jewelry at a boutique.

The saleswoman asks her:

"Excuse me, why is your money so wet?"

"Please forgive me. My husband cried a lot when he gave it to me."

80% of men don't know why a woman gets angry.

The other 20% don't even know a woman is angry.

I asked my husband to go to the store. I gave him a list of things to buy:

1. Bread. 2. Sausage. 3. Milk. 4. Toothpaste. 5. Toilet paper. 6. Beer.

When my husband returned from the store, the package contained: a loaf of bread, two sausages, three cartons of milk, four tubes of toothpaste, five rolls of toilet paper, and six bottles of beer.

Nothing to complain about. But next time I'll start the list with beer.

I saw an Ad today:

"We will fix everything your husband repaired."

I laughed, but wrote down the phone number.

I like talking to myself.

In moments like these, I realize there are still intelligent and interesting people on Earth.

Two friends are talking.

- Alejandro, I heard you got a gift certificate for a skydive? Well, did you like it?

- Oh, I flew like a seagull over the city!

- I don't understand what this means?

- I screamed really loud and made a lot of shit!

The husband asks his wife:

Francesca, why are all your meatballs different sizes lately?

"Well, you're still unsatisfied. You said yourself you wanted variety in your food?"

A young woman who didn't have a boyfriend on Valentine's Day, so as not to get bored, had fun approaching a random couple in a restaurant and in an indignant voice asked the man, "Who the hell is this?"

The evening was no longer boring.

At one of the girls' volleyball team's weddings, the bridesmaids didn't drop the bouquet for two hours.

Dialogue between two friends:

- Come on, man, think when you speak!

_ Oh, I tried, it's stopping me from speaking!

A man walks down the street and mutters under his breath, in a disgruntled and sarcastic tone: “Well, thank you, God. For a bitchy wife, for a lazy son, for the hemorrhoids. I wish I could go on living like this! I barely have enough money, in a two-bedroom apartment with my father-in-law and mother-in-law!”

A surprised guardian angel looks down on him and writes in his notes: “Unbelievable! He’s happy with everything. The wishes remain the same.”

The argument between a Coca-Cola lover and a Pepsi-Cola lover was almost over when one's iPhone and the other's Samsung rang.

A call from a friend:

- Matthew, hi! I haven't heard from you in a while! What's life like after marriage?

- I've never been happier!

- She's nearby, right?

- I'm so happy!

-Sé fuerte, tio! ...

When we were kids, we used to ring the doorbell and run for the adrenaline rush.

Now you get a rush of adrenaline when your doorbell rings.

- Doctor, the patient in room 11 is feeling better now: he spoke for the first time today.

- What did he say?

- That he feels terrible.

A mathematician was admitted to the hospital, and after the operation, the doctor asked him:

"Patient, how are you feeling? Do you know what date it is today?"

"Integral, positive."

According to statistics, the longest toasts at weddings begin with the words:

"Of course I don't know how to speak nicely..."

How to distinguish a physicist from a mathematician?

The question we should ask them is: "What is the antonym of the word "parallel"?"

A mathematician will answer "perpendicularly", a physicist - "sequentially".

Arriving home after a night of playing cards,

The husband boasts to his wife:

"I was very lucky today.

My blue suit, which you made me for two hundred euros, I lost as if it had cost six hundred."

The son asks his mother:

- Mom, why does Dad have so little hair on his head?

- He's very smart!

- Why do you have so much?

- Don't bother me and eat your dinner!

A mathematician tells his girlfriend about a romantic trip to the Alps:

"Below, a stream flows at a speed of 20-25 km/h, and on its slopes rise mountains that stretch to infinity..."

What is comedy? This is when you have someone to be with, something to do, but nowhere to do it.

What is drama? This is when you have a place, something to do it with, but no one to do it with.

What is tragedy? This is when you have a place, someone to do it with, something to do it with, but why!

If you have good posture, intelligent eyes, and a mysterious smile, then you just realized you're being photographed.

Problem statement: Three frogs were sitting on a lily pad. One decided to jump into the water.

Question: How many frogs are left on the lily pad?

The correct answer is unknown, since deciding and jumping are two different things.

In the library:

-Hello, give me some Dickens book.

"Could you be more precise?"

"Charles John Huffam Dickens, born February 7, 1812."

Classical literature is built on suffering!

Either the character, the author, or the reader suffers.

And if all three suffer, it's a great classic!

"Darling, I'm waiting for some indecent proposals from you."

"Let's cook spaghetti for dinner and eat it in bed by candlelight."

"This is already too indecent."

A client asks a real estate agent:

- Why does a real estate agent always answer a question with another question?

- Why do you need to know this?

High school teacher:

"Those who get 9s and 10s will go to heaven, and those who get 3s and 2s will go to hell."

Voice from the back of the class:

"Is there a chance of ending up alive in high school?"

"Honey, have you locked our computer?"

"Yes."

"And what's the password?"

"Our wedding date."

"Damn."

Excursion to Hell. Tourists approach a vat of boiling resin, where an intelligent-looking woman is peacefully floating.

Surprised, they ask her:

"Who are you?"

"A teacher."

"How did you end up in Hell?"

"Oh, come on, my dears, after my students, what kind of Hell is this?"

At school.

"Alex, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

The teacher asks.

"Saint Nicholas!"

"Why?"

"Work for a week and you'll be free for a whole year!"

At the store:

"Darling, I'd like a box of good chocolates, but not too expensive."

"For your girlfriend?"

"I need it for the doctor."

"Give thanks or get revenge?"

The young man can't leave his computer.

His parents called the doctor.

The doctor examined him and said:

"He'll have to be treated!"

Parents:

"How?"

"Cigarettes, alcohol, girls," the doctor replied.

Conversation between two female friends:

- I drank too much yesterday, and Pedro took advantage of it.

- Was he flirting with you?! - The friend is outraged.

- No, he ran away!

The friends are talking:

– What did your loved one give you for Valentine's Day?

– Pendant, ring, and earrings. And you?

– The keys to the apartment.

– Wow! When are you inviting me to the housewarming party?

– I don't know. There are only keys. He hasn't bought the apartment yet.

Why do you look so sad?

—My wife is going to a resort.

And you're worried about her?

—No, but if there's no sadness on my face, she'll never leave.

A real estate agent shows an apartment to a married couple and praises it: this is such a room, this is such a light, this is such a bathroom.

The husband asks, "And the ad also said there are quiet neighbors here. Is that true?"

The real estate agent calls his buyers to the window. They look out and say, "But this is a cemetery!"

"Of course," the real estate agent cheerfully replies, "but you'll never be woken up in the morning by loud music or a noisy drill again!"

A real estate agent arrives home. The woman asks:

- Where have you been?

- Showing the apartment.

- Why do you smell like alcohol?

- Should I smell like the apartment?

Calling a real estate agency:

- Hello. I'd like to speak to my manager.

- Sorry, but that's impossible. He's not here.

- How could he not be? I saw him through the window a minute ago!

- He saw you too...

A boy complains to a friend:

"It's hard to sell the apartment. My parents are always home!"

Client to the builder:

- In my opinion, the walls are too thin...

- They're fine. There'll be wallpaper too!

When people tell you you have a cozy home, they usually mean it's small, cramped, and crammed with furniture.

Husband to wife:

- Honey! Now we'll be living in an expensive apartment!

- Oh, Dear! Have you finally decided to buy a nice apartment?

- No, it's just that the utility bills have gone up again.

Tenant to Landlord:

"Landlord, I need 12 more keys, for me and my friends!"

Landlord with a sigh:

"Maybe it would be better to install a revolving door?"

The director of a real estate agency asks a candidate during an interview:

"Young man, why did you decide to come work for our agency?"

"Dad, don't ask stupid questions!"

The wealthy owner tells the architect:

"To the right of the villa, build three pools: one with hot water, the second with cold water, and the third without water."

"Why a pool without water?"

"Some of my friends can't swim."

A real estate agent and a couple who are thinking of buying a house in the countryside are talking.

"The house you showed us yesterday is very nice, but the ugly concrete building across the street spoils the whole view."

"It's okay, it's a dynamite factory. Sooner or later it'll explode anyway."

A family bought an apartment and started renovating it. The wife told her husband:

"Go to the neighbors downstairs and ask them how many rolls of wallpaper they bought when they renovated."

She went and they told her:

"Twenty."

They bought them and started putting them up. There were six rolls left. The husband got angry and went back to the neighbors' house:

"What the fuck! Was it so hard to tell the truth? We have six rolls left!"

"Oh yeah, we have six left too."

I bought a full course that teaches Spanish while I sleep... 

But my wife kicked the teacher out of our bed.

Coworkers ask the lucky person who got a new municipal apartment:

- How many defects did you find in the new apartment?

- One so far.

- Great! What kind?

- I can't open the door.

The most important invention in human history is the written contract, which allows people to put in writing all the reasons why they don't trust each other.

Owner:

— I won't let you leave the room you're occupying until you pay for it.

Student:

— Thank you very much! I've finally been given long-term accommodation.

The landlord sternly asks the new tenant:

"I hope you don't have children. I can't stand their screaming."

"No, I'm alone."

"Dogs, cats? They bother the tenants."

"No."

"Will you not turn on the radio? Will you play musical instruments?"

"No, I don't plan to. But I want to warn you: I'm a writer, sometimes I write, and the pen squeaks a little..."